Thursday, May 6, 2010
Ugh.....
So sorry I haven't posted anything in forever. I am not done with this story, I'm just ridiculously busy. It's been very difficult in the last month to find time to write any chapters for any of my stories. Hopefully in the next two weeks I'll get a couple done at least. At the end of the month I'm heading to Mexico on a much needed vacation and there will absolutely be no time to write while I'm there, so I'm hoping to get some done before then. Thanks for everyone who's sticking around and waiting patiently!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Chapter 23
Patrick stared up at the ceiling in the middle of his second sleepless night in a row. This time though his anger wasn’t directed at Gabrielle, it was directed at her family. How could any parent or sibling treat someone the way they’d treated Gabrielle as a child? While she made some really bad choices in her life he couldn’t help but blame them for it.
Looking back at the way she’d acted at Christmas with his family, things really started to make sense. He realized now that she’d been so nervous to go because her definition of family and his were completely different. No wonder she’d broken down into tears when his mother had accepted her. That whole trip was adding up now in his mind in a way it never could before.
He felt her shift slightly next to him in bed, and he wrapped his arm tighter around her. He didn’t like the things Gabrielle had done in her past at all, but what kind of person would it make him if he just left because of things she’d done a decade ago? He’d be just like every other person that had been in Gabrielle’s life if he did, and he couldn’t even begin to think of doing that to her.
He reflected back on the rest of the day after Gabrielle’s confession. After he’d finally convinced her that he wasn’t going to kick her out of his house, she’d managed to relax some. They’d sat back down and she continued to talk, to tell him about herself back then. He knew she probably just needed to get it all out, even if it wasn’t easy for her to tell or for him to hear.
She told him that she wasn’t an alcoholic but she didn’t drink because of the memories. Cocaine had been what had put her into rehab, and more often than not, she’d drink when she did it. After leaving rehab she’d sworn off drinking because she was afraid that if she did all of those cravings would come rushing back. Then she told him about the night they’d gone out and she’d rushed out in a hurry and he’d found her shaking at home. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t figured it out then.
She recounted all of the times she’d accomplished something without the support of her parents. He listened with anger at the neglect they’d shown her and the favoritism they’d shown her older sisters. Until she’d started getting into trouble, Gabrielle seemed to be a child any parent would be proud of. He made a silent vow to himself that very moment that when he had children he’d never let them feel like he wasn’t proud of them and he didn’t love them.
His heart broke when she told him about the first time she’d cut herself. It had been on accident when she’d been drunk and fumbled a pair of scissors that had cut her arm. She told him how at first it had brought on tears and then that it had struck her that it was the first time she’d cried in as long as she could remember. A few days later, after another slight by her parents she’d been sitting in her bathroom wondering why she felt nothing by it. Then she’d spotted the scissors still sitting on the counter and remembered the tears. She picked up the scissors, hesitated for a moment, and then cut, just a small shallow line on her arm. The tears came again and it would take a long time for her to learn to stop.
After she seemed to have gotten everything out, they agreed to go back to her place. She had to work in the morning so she couldn’t stay with him, but he didn’t feel right leaving her alone tonight. He’d packed an overnight bag, put Dudley in the car and followed her home. He ordered food for dinner that they’d both only picked at as they sat curled up together on the couch. They put on a show on TV that neither seemed to be paying much attention to. They were sitting quietly when Gabrielle said something he hadn’t seen coming.
“Don’t ever fall in love with me,” she’d whispered. He’d pulled back from her in surprise, but she didn’t turn to look at him.
“Pardon?” he’d asked. Without moving a muscle she responded.
“Don’t ever fall in love with me,” she repeated. He forced her to turn her head and look at him. It was then that he saw the tears swimming in her eyes.
“Why would you say that?” he questioned.
“I’m not saying you are or you would, I’m just asking you not to.” She avoided directly answering his question, but he wasn’t going to let it go.
“Why can’t I?” he pressed.
“Because I don’t know that I’m ready or even capable to be able to ever love someone back.”
He’d pressed a kiss on her forehead and pulled her back into him. He hadn’t said anything else to her then or the rest of the night about it, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it either. He wouldn’t tell her how sad it made him to hear that. He wouldn’t tell her that she deserved to find someone to love that would love her back. He wouldn’t tell her that he was already halfway there.
I sat down behind my desk at school and sighed. After the events of the last couple of days, I did not feel at all qualified to be doling out advice to anyone about anything right now. I could hardly figure out my own life so what right did I have to guide others in theirs? I felt like a hypocrite sitting here in this position.
After catching up on what I’d missed the day before and rescheduling appointments I’d had, I prepared for the day. Today was a session with Gia, and I had to get my head together for it. While we hadn’t made a ton of progress, we’d made some, and I didn’t want to take any steps back because I couldn’t be all there for her.
We’d had two sessions together since school had started back up from break and Gia had stayed at my house. She still wouldn’t say a word about anything that was bothering her, but at least now she’d talk some. Usually it was just about photography and some of the newest photos she’d taken. I didn’t mind, because with people like Gia, baby steps were necessary and important.
When the bell rang I waited hopeful that she’d show up for her record third straight appointment in a row. A few moments later she walked through the door. Only this time, unlike the last two, she didn’t greet me with a smile. She just walked in, dropped her bag on the floor next to the chair, and flopped down in it.
“Good morning, Gia. How are you?” I asked.
“Fine,” she mumbled. I held back a sigh at the return of old Gia.
“Okay. How’s school going?”
“Fine.”
“Any new photos this week?”
“No.”
At this point I realized that this was not going to be like the last two meetings at all. It was going to be like pulling teeth to get anything out of her and I took a moment to figure out a new approach. It was in that moment that Gia lifted an arm up to push a stray strand of hair behind her ear. I saw the edge of a bandage on her arm and felt sick. It was in that moment that I took a risk I’d always told myself I’d never do.
“You know that whatever you say in here stays between us, right?” I asked. She just looked at me blankly and nodded. “Okay, then I’m going to ask you to do me the same courtesy. If I tell you something, will you be able to keep it in here?” Her curiousity was piqued.
“Yeah,” was her response.
I took a deep breath and pulled off the button up sweater I was wearing. I put it around the back of the chair and turned to look back at Gia who was looking on in confusion as I then rolled up the sleeves of my blouse. I glanced down at my arms before extending them out on my lap, palms up. Gia looked down at them and I heard her sharp intake of breath.
“I was a teenager, your age actually, when I did this to myself,” I told her.
“Why are you showing me this?” she asked quietly, not lifting her eyes from my arms.
“Because I know what it’s like to need to feel. Just because I’m sitting here in this office talking to students about their concerns doesn’t mean I’m immune. I had the same problems and concerns that they do. Believe it or not, I wasn’t perfect.”
Gia looked up at me and I saw a single tear fall down her face. I pulled back my arms and rolled the sleeves of my blouse back down as I let Gia contemplate what I’d just shown her. I put my sweater back on and then shifted my eyes to Gia’s arms. She pulled them against her in response.
“You don’t need to do that, Gia,” I told her quietly.
“Do what?” she asked, her voice shaking, as she tried to hold herself together.
“I did it. For years. I know the signs, all the ways to try to hide it. I know, Gia.” Her arms fell to her lap in defeat.
“It’s the only thing I can control,” she whispered.
“What can’t you control?” I asked. She hesitated as a few more tears fell.
“My parents. My boyfriend. My friends. School. Everything.”
“Why don’t you pick one thing and tell me about it. Any one you want to talk about right now. It’s up to you. You can control what we talk about. Trust me, it’ll feel better just to get it out.”
And so Gia did. She talked. She told me about her parents fighting. She told me they fought daily, sometimes all night. She told me that sometimes the fights were so bad they’d forget she was there. She told me she was taking care of herself because they weren't doing it. I listened as her appointment ran over its allotted time. I let her talk as long as she needed to.
When she finished talking about her parents I gave her some time alone in my office to compose herself before giving her a late pass for her class. She walked to the door in the outer office and hesitated before turning back to me. I watched as a small smile formed on her face.
“Thank you.” She turned and walked out before I had a chance to react at all. I began to smile as I watched her disappear from view down the hall. I turned back to head into my office when I spotted my secretary looking at me in surprise.
“I’m sorry, was that Gia or a look-a-like?” Kristen asked. I just shrugged before walking into my office and shutting the door behind me.
Looking back at the way she’d acted at Christmas with his family, things really started to make sense. He realized now that she’d been so nervous to go because her definition of family and his were completely different. No wonder she’d broken down into tears when his mother had accepted her. That whole trip was adding up now in his mind in a way it never could before.
He felt her shift slightly next to him in bed, and he wrapped his arm tighter around her. He didn’t like the things Gabrielle had done in her past at all, but what kind of person would it make him if he just left because of things she’d done a decade ago? He’d be just like every other person that had been in Gabrielle’s life if he did, and he couldn’t even begin to think of doing that to her.
He reflected back on the rest of the day after Gabrielle’s confession. After he’d finally convinced her that he wasn’t going to kick her out of his house, she’d managed to relax some. They’d sat back down and she continued to talk, to tell him about herself back then. He knew she probably just needed to get it all out, even if it wasn’t easy for her to tell or for him to hear.
She told him that she wasn’t an alcoholic but she didn’t drink because of the memories. Cocaine had been what had put her into rehab, and more often than not, she’d drink when she did it. After leaving rehab she’d sworn off drinking because she was afraid that if she did all of those cravings would come rushing back. Then she told him about the night they’d gone out and she’d rushed out in a hurry and he’d found her shaking at home. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t figured it out then.
She recounted all of the times she’d accomplished something without the support of her parents. He listened with anger at the neglect they’d shown her and the favoritism they’d shown her older sisters. Until she’d started getting into trouble, Gabrielle seemed to be a child any parent would be proud of. He made a silent vow to himself that very moment that when he had children he’d never let them feel like he wasn’t proud of them and he didn’t love them.
His heart broke when she told him about the first time she’d cut herself. It had been on accident when she’d been drunk and fumbled a pair of scissors that had cut her arm. She told him how at first it had brought on tears and then that it had struck her that it was the first time she’d cried in as long as she could remember. A few days later, after another slight by her parents she’d been sitting in her bathroom wondering why she felt nothing by it. Then she’d spotted the scissors still sitting on the counter and remembered the tears. She picked up the scissors, hesitated for a moment, and then cut, just a small shallow line on her arm. The tears came again and it would take a long time for her to learn to stop.
After she seemed to have gotten everything out, they agreed to go back to her place. She had to work in the morning so she couldn’t stay with him, but he didn’t feel right leaving her alone tonight. He’d packed an overnight bag, put Dudley in the car and followed her home. He ordered food for dinner that they’d both only picked at as they sat curled up together on the couch. They put on a show on TV that neither seemed to be paying much attention to. They were sitting quietly when Gabrielle said something he hadn’t seen coming.
“Don’t ever fall in love with me,” she’d whispered. He’d pulled back from her in surprise, but she didn’t turn to look at him.
“Pardon?” he’d asked. Without moving a muscle she responded.
“Don’t ever fall in love with me,” she repeated. He forced her to turn her head and look at him. It was then that he saw the tears swimming in her eyes.
“Why would you say that?” he questioned.
“I’m not saying you are or you would, I’m just asking you not to.” She avoided directly answering his question, but he wasn’t going to let it go.
“Why can’t I?” he pressed.
“Because I don’t know that I’m ready or even capable to be able to ever love someone back.”
He’d pressed a kiss on her forehead and pulled her back into him. He hadn’t said anything else to her then or the rest of the night about it, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it either. He wouldn’t tell her how sad it made him to hear that. He wouldn’t tell her that she deserved to find someone to love that would love her back. He wouldn’t tell her that he was already halfway there.
I sat down behind my desk at school and sighed. After the events of the last couple of days, I did not feel at all qualified to be doling out advice to anyone about anything right now. I could hardly figure out my own life so what right did I have to guide others in theirs? I felt like a hypocrite sitting here in this position.
After catching up on what I’d missed the day before and rescheduling appointments I’d had, I prepared for the day. Today was a session with Gia, and I had to get my head together for it. While we hadn’t made a ton of progress, we’d made some, and I didn’t want to take any steps back because I couldn’t be all there for her.
We’d had two sessions together since school had started back up from break and Gia had stayed at my house. She still wouldn’t say a word about anything that was bothering her, but at least now she’d talk some. Usually it was just about photography and some of the newest photos she’d taken. I didn’t mind, because with people like Gia, baby steps were necessary and important.
When the bell rang I waited hopeful that she’d show up for her record third straight appointment in a row. A few moments later she walked through the door. Only this time, unlike the last two, she didn’t greet me with a smile. She just walked in, dropped her bag on the floor next to the chair, and flopped down in it.
“Good morning, Gia. How are you?” I asked.
“Fine,” she mumbled. I held back a sigh at the return of old Gia.
“Okay. How’s school going?”
“Fine.”
“Any new photos this week?”
“No.”
At this point I realized that this was not going to be like the last two meetings at all. It was going to be like pulling teeth to get anything out of her and I took a moment to figure out a new approach. It was in that moment that Gia lifted an arm up to push a stray strand of hair behind her ear. I saw the edge of a bandage on her arm and felt sick. It was in that moment that I took a risk I’d always told myself I’d never do.
“You know that whatever you say in here stays between us, right?” I asked. She just looked at me blankly and nodded. “Okay, then I’m going to ask you to do me the same courtesy. If I tell you something, will you be able to keep it in here?” Her curiousity was piqued.
“Yeah,” was her response.
I took a deep breath and pulled off the button up sweater I was wearing. I put it around the back of the chair and turned to look back at Gia who was looking on in confusion as I then rolled up the sleeves of my blouse. I glanced down at my arms before extending them out on my lap, palms up. Gia looked down at them and I heard her sharp intake of breath.
“I was a teenager, your age actually, when I did this to myself,” I told her.
“Why are you showing me this?” she asked quietly, not lifting her eyes from my arms.
“Because I know what it’s like to need to feel. Just because I’m sitting here in this office talking to students about their concerns doesn’t mean I’m immune. I had the same problems and concerns that they do. Believe it or not, I wasn’t perfect.”
Gia looked up at me and I saw a single tear fall down her face. I pulled back my arms and rolled the sleeves of my blouse back down as I let Gia contemplate what I’d just shown her. I put my sweater back on and then shifted my eyes to Gia’s arms. She pulled them against her in response.
“You don’t need to do that, Gia,” I told her quietly.
“Do what?” she asked, her voice shaking, as she tried to hold herself together.
“I did it. For years. I know the signs, all the ways to try to hide it. I know, Gia.” Her arms fell to her lap in defeat.
“It’s the only thing I can control,” she whispered.
“What can’t you control?” I asked. She hesitated as a few more tears fell.
“My parents. My boyfriend. My friends. School. Everything.”
“Why don’t you pick one thing and tell me about it. Any one you want to talk about right now. It’s up to you. You can control what we talk about. Trust me, it’ll feel better just to get it out.”
And so Gia did. She talked. She told me about her parents fighting. She told me they fought daily, sometimes all night. She told me that sometimes the fights were so bad they’d forget she was there. She told me she was taking care of herself because they weren't doing it. I listened as her appointment ran over its allotted time. I let her talk as long as she needed to.
When she finished talking about her parents I gave her some time alone in my office to compose herself before giving her a late pass for her class. She walked to the door in the outer office and hesitated before turning back to me. I watched as a small smile formed on her face.
“Thank you.” She turned and walked out before I had a chance to react at all. I began to smile as I watched her disappear from view down the hall. I turned back to head into my office when I spotted my secretary looking at me in surprise.
“I’m sorry, was that Gia or a look-a-like?” Kristen asked. I just shrugged before walking into my office and shutting the door behind me.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Chapter 22
Here it is, the big reveal. Thanks for sticking with me up until now. Sorry that there's so much dialogue from Gabrielle, but it was really the only way to get everything in, ya know?
Patrick was like a robot the next day at practice. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all that night. He just couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why Gabrielle had lied to him. Why would she say she didn’t have any family if she did? Was there something wrong with them or something wrong with her?
They were the only options he could think of. Either they’d done something unthinkable to her or she’d done something unthinkable to them. Neither of those seemed to make much sense to him though. Gabrielle was one of the most amazing people he’d ever met. How could a family be so awful to her or how could she be awful to them?
“What’s going on, man?” Burish asked him after practice.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” he responded. He wished that he could have actually been slightly convincing, because there was no way Burish was buying that.
“You look like shit. Something’s wrong,” Burs pushed.
“I didn’t sleep last night.” Not wanting to have this conversation in the middle of the locker room Patrick walked out of it and outside.
“Aw, did you and Gabrielle get into your first little argument?” Burish teased. Patrick wasn’t in the mood.
“There was nothing little about it. She lied to me. She’s been lying to me the whole fucking time,” he said through gritted teeth. Burish’s smirk faded when he realized that it wasn’t some stupid spat.
“What about?”
“Her family. The one I told you she didn’t have. Turns out she does. Her niece showed up last night.”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t give her the chance.” He sighed at the look Burish gave him. “Her niece came in tears. It wasn’t the time to start questioning her.”
“Sometimes it sickens me how nice and understanding you are,” Burish cracked, causing a tiny smile to form on Patrick's lips. “When are you going to talk to her?” That was the million dollar question. He felt too riled up about it still to do it now. Not to mention Gabrielle was at work. He just needed some time to cool off.
“I don’t know. I just need to figure things out.”
Patrick made his way to his car and headed home. He let Dudley out the back door and tried unsuccessfully to just forget about Gabrielle for now. He was exhausted and needed sleep. The problem was that he knew sleep wasn’t going to come while his brain was working overtime to make sense of the lie she’d told about not having any family.
Dudley came back inside and Patrick went straight into his bedroom and lay down. Maybe if he stayed there long enough he’d eventually fall asleep. As he stared up at the ceiling he realized that he was so worked up because he’d fallen for Gabrielle. Hard. The doorbell rang just as that hit him and he considered staying in bed. It rang again and with a groan he got up to answer the door.
He checked who was there before opening it. He wasn’t sure he should open the door to her, but he did anyway. Gabrielle stood on the other side of his door in the middle of a school day looking worse than he did. Her eyes shifted from the ground to his face and tears immediately welled up in her eyes. He fought the urge to just pull her into him and wrap his arms around her.
“Hi,” he said quietly. She bit her lip before responding.
“I’m not sure I deserve it, but I was hoping we could talk. I realize that you’re more than angry at me right now and that once you hear why it’s only going to get worse. I just felt like you deserved the truth. I was hoping you’d at least let me explain things so you’d understand.” Curiosity got the best of him and he stepped back, allowing Gabrielle to walk into his house.
It was a painstaking wait for the hours to go by until Patrick would be home from practice. I had to explain to him, let him know why I’d kept my family a secret. He deserved the truth. He always had, but I’d selfishly kept it under wraps foolishly thinking that maybe I’d never have to tell him.
Now I was here, in his house, sitting on his couch. He didn’t look pleased or even ready to have me there with him, but I had to get this out now. I just wanted to rip the bandage off and let the pain come. The quicker the pain came the quicker I could start trying to get over the loss of him in my life.
He surprised me by sitting down next to me on the couch instead of on the chair across from me. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved that he didn’t hate me enough so far to want to be as far from me as possible or be worried because having him that close made it that much harder to tell him. We sat there in silence for a while as I struggled to think of how to start.
“Have you ever died?” I asked him. He looked at me strangely. I knew that probably didn’t make much sense, but I waited for an answer anyway.
“No,” he finally said, his brow furrowed.
“I have. Twice. Only I just recently found out about the second time. The first time I was 17 and I was dead for two minutes before they revived me. The second time was just two weeks later. My parents kicked me out of the house and I found out last night they put an obituary in the paper saying I’d been in a car accident and had died from the injuries.”
Patrick looked utterly confused and stunned at the same time. I didn’t blame him. I hadn’t exactly started this off slowly or with an explanation. Instead I’d only added more mystery to my past. I took a deep breath before starting at the beginning.
“After my parents had Rachel and Bailey they decided that two children was enough. Unfortunately 10 years later I was born. I was unexpected, a mistake, and unwanted. They never missed an opportunity to tell me that. Even as a child in elementary school I knew they’d never wanted me and they weren’t happy I was around.”
A sob escaped my throat after saying that and I took a minute to compose myself before continuing. I noticed a change in Patrick’s demeanor. He looked a little less angry, but I knew that was going to change very soon. Once he heard the rest he’d never look at me with any other emotion in his eyes.
“I spent years trying to gain their love. I wanted them to be as proud of me as they were of Rachel and Bailey. I did everything my sisters did. They did well in school so I studied hard to be just as smart. They played soccer and so did I. They were in chorus and played the violin, so I did too. Those were the things that made my parents proud of them and I thought that if I did the same things too they’d be proud of me like they were of them. I did everything my sisters did, and I did them all better. It didn’t matter. My sisters only saw me as a tag-along burden because of the age difference and my parents saw me as an inconvenience.”
As I talked I began to have flashbacks. I remembered my teachers wanting to put me into accelerated classes in elementary school because the regular classroom pace was too slow for me. I remembered my parents declining even though they’d done it for my sisters. I remembered scoring the game winning goal in the championship of a soccer game without my parents or sisters in attendance. I remembered looking out at the crowd after a solo only given to the best violinist in orchestra during a concert and seeing the two empty seats that had been designated for my parents.
“I decided as I got older that being like my sisters wasn’t going to get me attention so I turned to getting into trouble. I thought that if I got into trouble my parents would be forced to pay attention to me and then they could see that I really just needed them to care. I argued, I back talked, I did everything to upset my sisters and parents. By 11 I’d smoked my first cigarette. At 12 I had my first drink. By 13 I’d gotten high for the first time. When I was 14 I started skipping school. 15 was when I lost my virginity. At 16 I’d tried cocaine, speed, and ecstasy. At 17…..well, 17 was a real banner year for me.”
Tears were streaming down my face at this point. I paused to collect myself again before continuing and looked at the expression on Patrick’s face. I couldn’t read it. I had no idea if he was pitying me or thinking I was the most despicable person on the planet.
“My parents never cared. They were only embarrassed. You see, my dad wanted to be a Senator of Missouri with hopes of maybe someday being president. I’m from St. Louis, by the way. My antics were meant to make them care, but they only turned on me more. They told me I cost my father the election. Voters didn’t want a man running their state that couldn’t even control his child. My sisters hated me. That's when it turned from needing attention to being vindictive. Everything I did was aimed at hurting my family, with nothing but revenge fueling it. By 16 it had gone too far and I was too lost to stop.”
Patrick reached out then and covered my hand with his. I let my head fall in embarrassment. I didn’t want to look at him when I told him the next part. I pulled up my shirt sleeves to show off the scars on my forearms.
“I lied to you about these. They weren’t from an accident. I was depressed and I felt numb all the time. I used to cut myself. At least then, at that moment when I watched blood drip down my arm from the newest slice I’d made I felt something. It was the only time I ever felt anything.”
“Jesus, Gabrielle,” Patrick whispered, seemingly overwhelmed by my confession.
“I OD’d when I was 17. That’s when I died. After that my parents decided that they’d had enough. They never tried to help me, only saw me as a burden. They gave me my inheritance early and told me to leave. My high school counselor, Olivia, took me in. She was the only person in my life that gave a damn. She sent me to rehab. There’s a day in rehab when family comes in for a therapy session. None of my family showed up.
Olivia home schooled me and I went to community college after getting out of rehab. After graduating from there I moved here to Chicago and went to school to get my degree in psychology. Then I got my PhD. I wanted to help kids the way Olivia helped me. Olivia said she told my family about all of my accomplishments, but they never responded. They’d cut me out of their lives for good when I wanted nothing more than for them to see that I was different. Then I found out from Kaylen last night that they killed me.
So that’s my past, my story. I had a family that thought I was a burden and instead of proving them wrong I showed them they were right. I hurt and embarrassed them along with myself. I’m a terrible person that doesn’t deserve someone like you. I’m sorry for lying to you and stringing you along. You didn’t deserve it. I just wanted you to know why I lied. I’m so sorry again for what I did.”
I took a deep breath and stood up from my spot on the couch. Now that Patrick knew the truth I knew that our relationship was over. Who in their right mind wants to date an ex-drug addict with abandonment issues? No one sane, that’s for sure. I turned my back on him and began the walk to the door.
“Where are you going?” I heard him ask.
“I’m leaving,” I responded, glancing over my shoulder.
“Why?” It was a simple question, but I couldn’t comprehend it. It just didn’t make any sense to me.
“I…..I don’t…..I have to go,” I stuttered. I turned away again and reached for the door handle. Somehow in that short time Patrick had gotten up and across the room to reach me. I felt his hand on my arm and turned back.
“You’re not that person anymore, Gabrielle,” he whispered.
“Yes, I am. I’m always that person. Every day I’m that person and every day for the rest of my life I’ll be that person.” He looked into my eyes and forced me to look into his by placing his hand under my chin.
“No, you’re not. That Gabrielle was combative, vengeful, and didn’t care about anyone including herself. The Gabrielle I know is sweet, intelligent, and bends over backwards to help anyone and everyone she possibly can. The two can’t be more different. You’re not her anymore, Gabby, why can’t you see that?”
I took in his words in shock and surprise. Why wasn’t he angry with me? Why wasn’t he asking me to leave? There was no anger in his eyes, no disgust. I only saw sadness in them and new tears filled mine.
“You don’t deserve to take on my baggage, my trauma. I came out of it scarred literally and figuratively. I’m not okay. I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay,” I told him.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what your life must have been like in the past, but that’s exactly what it is. It’s a past. I’m sorry, so sorry about everything you went through, but I refuse to believe that you’ll never be okay. Of course you’re going to be scarred. No one would come out of that unscathed. The scars don’t make you, Gabrielle, how you deal with them does. You’re stronger than you think you are. You have to be if you beat all of that to become who you are now.”
“How are you like this? Why don’t you see me like everyone else that knows all that does?”
“I don’t give up on people I care about. I told you once I wanted to save you. I don’t go back on my word. I’m here, Gabby, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. I fell into his arms and let the tears come. No one had ever said things like that to me before. No one had ever cared enough to even give me a chance, let alone a second one. He pulled back a little and looked down at me. My heart nearly exploded when his lips touched mine. If he could forgive me, maybe now I’d be able to forgive myself.
Patrick was like a robot the next day at practice. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all that night. He just couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why Gabrielle had lied to him. Why would she say she didn’t have any family if she did? Was there something wrong with them or something wrong with her?
They were the only options he could think of. Either they’d done something unthinkable to her or she’d done something unthinkable to them. Neither of those seemed to make much sense to him though. Gabrielle was one of the most amazing people he’d ever met. How could a family be so awful to her or how could she be awful to them?
“What’s going on, man?” Burish asked him after practice.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” he responded. He wished that he could have actually been slightly convincing, because there was no way Burish was buying that.
“You look like shit. Something’s wrong,” Burs pushed.
“I didn’t sleep last night.” Not wanting to have this conversation in the middle of the locker room Patrick walked out of it and outside.
“Aw, did you and Gabrielle get into your first little argument?” Burish teased. Patrick wasn’t in the mood.
“There was nothing little about it. She lied to me. She’s been lying to me the whole fucking time,” he said through gritted teeth. Burish’s smirk faded when he realized that it wasn’t some stupid spat.
“What about?”
“Her family. The one I told you she didn’t have. Turns out she does. Her niece showed up last night.”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t give her the chance.” He sighed at the look Burish gave him. “Her niece came in tears. It wasn’t the time to start questioning her.”
“Sometimes it sickens me how nice and understanding you are,” Burish cracked, causing a tiny smile to form on Patrick's lips. “When are you going to talk to her?” That was the million dollar question. He felt too riled up about it still to do it now. Not to mention Gabrielle was at work. He just needed some time to cool off.
“I don’t know. I just need to figure things out.”
Patrick made his way to his car and headed home. He let Dudley out the back door and tried unsuccessfully to just forget about Gabrielle for now. He was exhausted and needed sleep. The problem was that he knew sleep wasn’t going to come while his brain was working overtime to make sense of the lie she’d told about not having any family.
Dudley came back inside and Patrick went straight into his bedroom and lay down. Maybe if he stayed there long enough he’d eventually fall asleep. As he stared up at the ceiling he realized that he was so worked up because he’d fallen for Gabrielle. Hard. The doorbell rang just as that hit him and he considered staying in bed. It rang again and with a groan he got up to answer the door.
He checked who was there before opening it. He wasn’t sure he should open the door to her, but he did anyway. Gabrielle stood on the other side of his door in the middle of a school day looking worse than he did. Her eyes shifted from the ground to his face and tears immediately welled up in her eyes. He fought the urge to just pull her into him and wrap his arms around her.
“Hi,” he said quietly. She bit her lip before responding.
“I’m not sure I deserve it, but I was hoping we could talk. I realize that you’re more than angry at me right now and that once you hear why it’s only going to get worse. I just felt like you deserved the truth. I was hoping you’d at least let me explain things so you’d understand.” Curiosity got the best of him and he stepped back, allowing Gabrielle to walk into his house.
It was a painstaking wait for the hours to go by until Patrick would be home from practice. I had to explain to him, let him know why I’d kept my family a secret. He deserved the truth. He always had, but I’d selfishly kept it under wraps foolishly thinking that maybe I’d never have to tell him.
Now I was here, in his house, sitting on his couch. He didn’t look pleased or even ready to have me there with him, but I had to get this out now. I just wanted to rip the bandage off and let the pain come. The quicker the pain came the quicker I could start trying to get over the loss of him in my life.
He surprised me by sitting down next to me on the couch instead of on the chair across from me. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved that he didn’t hate me enough so far to want to be as far from me as possible or be worried because having him that close made it that much harder to tell him. We sat there in silence for a while as I struggled to think of how to start.
“Have you ever died?” I asked him. He looked at me strangely. I knew that probably didn’t make much sense, but I waited for an answer anyway.
“No,” he finally said, his brow furrowed.
“I have. Twice. Only I just recently found out about the second time. The first time I was 17 and I was dead for two minutes before they revived me. The second time was just two weeks later. My parents kicked me out of the house and I found out last night they put an obituary in the paper saying I’d been in a car accident and had died from the injuries.”
Patrick looked utterly confused and stunned at the same time. I didn’t blame him. I hadn’t exactly started this off slowly or with an explanation. Instead I’d only added more mystery to my past. I took a deep breath before starting at the beginning.
“After my parents had Rachel and Bailey they decided that two children was enough. Unfortunately 10 years later I was born. I was unexpected, a mistake, and unwanted. They never missed an opportunity to tell me that. Even as a child in elementary school I knew they’d never wanted me and they weren’t happy I was around.”
A sob escaped my throat after saying that and I took a minute to compose myself before continuing. I noticed a change in Patrick’s demeanor. He looked a little less angry, but I knew that was going to change very soon. Once he heard the rest he’d never look at me with any other emotion in his eyes.
“I spent years trying to gain their love. I wanted them to be as proud of me as they were of Rachel and Bailey. I did everything my sisters did. They did well in school so I studied hard to be just as smart. They played soccer and so did I. They were in chorus and played the violin, so I did too. Those were the things that made my parents proud of them and I thought that if I did the same things too they’d be proud of me like they were of them. I did everything my sisters did, and I did them all better. It didn’t matter. My sisters only saw me as a tag-along burden because of the age difference and my parents saw me as an inconvenience.”
As I talked I began to have flashbacks. I remembered my teachers wanting to put me into accelerated classes in elementary school because the regular classroom pace was too slow for me. I remembered my parents declining even though they’d done it for my sisters. I remembered scoring the game winning goal in the championship of a soccer game without my parents or sisters in attendance. I remembered looking out at the crowd after a solo only given to the best violinist in orchestra during a concert and seeing the two empty seats that had been designated for my parents.
“I decided as I got older that being like my sisters wasn’t going to get me attention so I turned to getting into trouble. I thought that if I got into trouble my parents would be forced to pay attention to me and then they could see that I really just needed them to care. I argued, I back talked, I did everything to upset my sisters and parents. By 11 I’d smoked my first cigarette. At 12 I had my first drink. By 13 I’d gotten high for the first time. When I was 14 I started skipping school. 15 was when I lost my virginity. At 16 I’d tried cocaine, speed, and ecstasy. At 17…..well, 17 was a real banner year for me.”
Tears were streaming down my face at this point. I paused to collect myself again before continuing and looked at the expression on Patrick’s face. I couldn’t read it. I had no idea if he was pitying me or thinking I was the most despicable person on the planet.
“My parents never cared. They were only embarrassed. You see, my dad wanted to be a Senator of Missouri with hopes of maybe someday being president. I’m from St. Louis, by the way. My antics were meant to make them care, but they only turned on me more. They told me I cost my father the election. Voters didn’t want a man running their state that couldn’t even control his child. My sisters hated me. That's when it turned from needing attention to being vindictive. Everything I did was aimed at hurting my family, with nothing but revenge fueling it. By 16 it had gone too far and I was too lost to stop.”
Patrick reached out then and covered my hand with his. I let my head fall in embarrassment. I didn’t want to look at him when I told him the next part. I pulled up my shirt sleeves to show off the scars on my forearms.
“I lied to you about these. They weren’t from an accident. I was depressed and I felt numb all the time. I used to cut myself. At least then, at that moment when I watched blood drip down my arm from the newest slice I’d made I felt something. It was the only time I ever felt anything.”
“Jesus, Gabrielle,” Patrick whispered, seemingly overwhelmed by my confession.
“I OD’d when I was 17. That’s when I died. After that my parents decided that they’d had enough. They never tried to help me, only saw me as a burden. They gave me my inheritance early and told me to leave. My high school counselor, Olivia, took me in. She was the only person in my life that gave a damn. She sent me to rehab. There’s a day in rehab when family comes in for a therapy session. None of my family showed up.
Olivia home schooled me and I went to community college after getting out of rehab. After graduating from there I moved here to Chicago and went to school to get my degree in psychology. Then I got my PhD. I wanted to help kids the way Olivia helped me. Olivia said she told my family about all of my accomplishments, but they never responded. They’d cut me out of their lives for good when I wanted nothing more than for them to see that I was different. Then I found out from Kaylen last night that they killed me.
So that’s my past, my story. I had a family that thought I was a burden and instead of proving them wrong I showed them they were right. I hurt and embarrassed them along with myself. I’m a terrible person that doesn’t deserve someone like you. I’m sorry for lying to you and stringing you along. You didn’t deserve it. I just wanted you to know why I lied. I’m so sorry again for what I did.”
I took a deep breath and stood up from my spot on the couch. Now that Patrick knew the truth I knew that our relationship was over. Who in their right mind wants to date an ex-drug addict with abandonment issues? No one sane, that’s for sure. I turned my back on him and began the walk to the door.
“Where are you going?” I heard him ask.
“I’m leaving,” I responded, glancing over my shoulder.
“Why?” It was a simple question, but I couldn’t comprehend it. It just didn’t make any sense to me.
“I…..I don’t…..I have to go,” I stuttered. I turned away again and reached for the door handle. Somehow in that short time Patrick had gotten up and across the room to reach me. I felt his hand on my arm and turned back.
“You’re not that person anymore, Gabrielle,” he whispered.
“Yes, I am. I’m always that person. Every day I’m that person and every day for the rest of my life I’ll be that person.” He looked into my eyes and forced me to look into his by placing his hand under my chin.
“No, you’re not. That Gabrielle was combative, vengeful, and didn’t care about anyone including herself. The Gabrielle I know is sweet, intelligent, and bends over backwards to help anyone and everyone she possibly can. The two can’t be more different. You’re not her anymore, Gabby, why can’t you see that?”
I took in his words in shock and surprise. Why wasn’t he angry with me? Why wasn’t he asking me to leave? There was no anger in his eyes, no disgust. I only saw sadness in them and new tears filled mine.
“You don’t deserve to take on my baggage, my trauma. I came out of it scarred literally and figuratively. I’m not okay. I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay,” I told him.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what your life must have been like in the past, but that’s exactly what it is. It’s a past. I’m sorry, so sorry about everything you went through, but I refuse to believe that you’ll never be okay. Of course you’re going to be scarred. No one would come out of that unscathed. The scars don’t make you, Gabrielle, how you deal with them does. You’re stronger than you think you are. You have to be if you beat all of that to become who you are now.”
“How are you like this? Why don’t you see me like everyone else that knows all that does?”
“I don’t give up on people I care about. I told you once I wanted to save you. I don’t go back on my word. I’m here, Gabby, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. I fell into his arms and let the tears come. No one had ever said things like that to me before. No one had ever cared enough to even give me a chance, let alone a second one. He pulled back a little and looked down at me. My heart nearly exploded when his lips touched mine. If he could forgive me, maybe now I’d be able to forgive myself.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Chapter 21
I felt my stomach churning as I told Rachel who was on the phone. I heard her sharp intake of breath and she was quiet. I waited for what felt like forever for her to say something. I half expected something scathing and half expected her to hang up on me. I wasn’t let down.
“What the hell do you want?” came her angry reply. I bit my tongue at the sarcastic response I wanted to shoot back at her. That was the old Gabrielle.
“I’m sorry to call and bother you, but Kaylen’s here,” I told her. There was another silent pause.
“I’m trying to figure out why you’d be calling to lie to me after all these years, and yet I’m coming up with nothing but a blank. Kaylen’s at her friend’s house.” I sighed and glanced over at the teenager sitting in the other room.
“No, Rachel, she’s sitting right here in my living room,” I corrected her.
“That’s impossible. She has no idea where you are. I have no idea where you are.”
“Well, she found out somehow. It’s Chicago, by the way. Kaylen left school early and caught a bus here.” I could hear Rachel try to muffle the phone and instruct someone to call Kaylen’s friend.
“This just doesn’t make any sense. Why would Kaylen search you out and then at 14 find a bus to Chicago to go see you?” There was a short pause and then Rachel started talking again. “Have you been in contact with her? Have you been talking to my daughter behind my back?”
“No, I haven’t. I…..” Rachel wasn’t done.
“Who do you think you are trying to barge back into our lives after everything you put us through? I thought we made it clear that we wanted nothing to do with you.”
“I didn’t…..”
“And now you go behind my back and start talking to my daughter, an impressionable teenager? How dare you!”
“Rachel!” I yelled into the phone, successfully shutting her up for a moment. “She heard you and Lance fighting. She overheard you saying you just wish you hadn’t had her.”
“I never said…..oh, God. That’s not what I said, not what I meant. Did she run away?” she asked, realization striking her.
“She did, but she came here. She’s safe, Rachel.” I heard her laugh when I said that and cringed.
“I doubt anyone’s safe around you. Give me your address. I’ll be there in five hours.” It was late and it was going to be a long drive from St. Louis, but I didn’t argue with her. I knew better. “If you said anything to her…..” Rachel warned before hanging up the phone.
I sighed and fought back the tears that were trying to force themselves out from under my eyelids. I deserved it, everything she said. I just wanted her and the rest of my family to know. I wanted them to know I was different now even if they couldn't forgive me. Even so, there was also a small part of me that wanted to blame them and shove what I’d become in their faces. I composed myself before walking back into the living room and sitting down next to Kaylen.
“Your mom is on her way. I think she’s driving so she’ll be here in about five hours. You can go into the other room and get some sleep if you want. I’ll make up the bed,” I offered. Kaylen nodded but didn’t move from her position on the couch. She was staring at an invisible spot on the floor.
“Why did everyone tell us you were dead?” she asked after a moment. My eyes widened in surprise and I felt like my heart stopped. They’d what?
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” She glanced up at me and took in the shocked expression on my face.
“You didn’t know,” she whispered. I could feel the tears building again. I wasn’t sure if they were because of anger, pain, sadness, or a combo.
“What did they tell you?” I asked quietly. She thought for a moment before responding.
“One day you were just gone. They took down all the pictures of you and locked up your bedroom. Mom and Dad told me that you’d been in a car accident. They told everyone that. I saw the obituary in the newspaper when I was older.”
This new revelation stunned and hurt me. My family hadn’t just cut me out of their lives, they’d killed me. My family was capable of almost anything, but even that seemed low. Wasn’t I still their daughter, their sister? Didn’t that count for anything? They never even gave me a chance.
“How did you find out I wasn’t?” I asked Kaylen after a while. She shrugged.
“The story seemed a little off to me. I’ve heard the whispered stories about you. That you got into a lot of trouble. Then you were in a car accident? I’m good with computers and looked up the obituary. I didn’t think there would be one, but there was. Only there was no story about a car accident. You’d think the death of one of the daughters of Ogden and Ramona Tunney would be big news. I started searching for you and eventually found you,” she explained.
I nodded and wanted to ask her more. I wanted to know what she’d heard because I had to know what else my family had lied about when it came to me. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Instead I no longer tried to stop the tears, choosing to let them come. Kaylen slid over on the couch and put her arms around my shoulders.
“It’s why I came to you. I knew you’d understand what I was feeling because they did it to you,” she whispered.
I felt sick at her words. I couldn’t be sure that she was right, but I knew my family. She was probably right, and she didn’t deserve that. The Tunney’s wanted perfect little cookie cutter children. Anyone that dared to be different was shunned. I wanted to keep Kaylen here with me. I wanted to slam the door in Rachel’s face when she knocked on my door, but I knew I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do.
“Kaylen, listen to me. I’m not a good role model, for anyone. I did a lot of things wrong and screwed up more times than I can count. That’s not all their fault. I chose to do it. They were bad choices, but ultimately they were mine. Don’t look up to me. Don’t do what I did. Whatever they’ve said, whatever you’ve heard about me, at least part of it is true.”
“But not anymore. You have a great apartment with a dog and a boyfriend. I know that you’re a counselor and that you help kids. Your life isn’t so bad,” she argued. I looked at her sadly and shook my head.
“I’m lonely. Hardly a day in the last 10 years has gone by that I didn’t hate what I’d done and become. I lost them because of those choices. Until I met Patrick my life was lonely. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.” Kaylen took in my words and nodded. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote my phone number on it, without my name. “This is my number. You can call me anytime you need to.” She took it and folded it into a small square before tucking it into her pocket.
Kaylen fell asleep in the studio on the futon a little while later and I stayed awake waiting for the knock on the door that I was dreading. As I waited I called into work for the next day. There was no way I was going to be able to go into school tomorrow. I was too emotionally wrecked and exhausted to be of any use to a student.
My phone rang a while later indicating that someone was downstairs wanting to be buzzed up. It was Rachel and I did just that. Then I went in and woke up Kaylen. She was just coming out of the studio when the knock sounded on the door. Kaylen grabbed her bag as I went over to the door and pulled it open. Rachel stood there, arms crossed, with a look that could kill aimed right at me.
“Where is she?” she demanded. I took a step back and allowed her to come in.
“I’m right here, Mom,” Kaylen said. Rachel rushed over and hugged her.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’m so sorry. You know we didn’t mean that, right? We love you.”
Anyone who walked in and saw this scene would have found it sweet and heartbreaking to see a mother who loved her daughter so upset over saying something that caused her to run away. I, however, saw a mother who was only sorry that she’d have to explain this situation to her family. They separated and headed for the door. Kaylen hugged me on the way by.
“Thank you, Aunt Gabrielle,” she whispered. I smiled at her and watched her walk out the door. Rachel paused on her way out to look back at me.
“I have to admit I was surprised that you lived someplace as nice as this.” I clenched my jaw at the comment and refused to take the bait. “I don’t expect to be hearing from you again.” With that, she turned her back on me and closed the door behind her.
I stood there staring at the door long after their footsteps had faded away. I’d expected to be sad and depressed upon seeing the sister I’d let down so many years ago. Instead I only felt anger. How dare they? All of them.
The information Kaylen had given me opened the floodgates. Suddenly I wasn’t beating myself up for what I’d done back then. Now I was blaming them. I would never have been like that if they hadn’t been the way they were. They’d killed me when I left 10 years ago? No. They were dead to me now.
“What the hell do you want?” came her angry reply. I bit my tongue at the sarcastic response I wanted to shoot back at her. That was the old Gabrielle.
“I’m sorry to call and bother you, but Kaylen’s here,” I told her. There was another silent pause.
“I’m trying to figure out why you’d be calling to lie to me after all these years, and yet I’m coming up with nothing but a blank. Kaylen’s at her friend’s house.” I sighed and glanced over at the teenager sitting in the other room.
“No, Rachel, she’s sitting right here in my living room,” I corrected her.
“That’s impossible. She has no idea where you are. I have no idea where you are.”
“Well, she found out somehow. It’s Chicago, by the way. Kaylen left school early and caught a bus here.” I could hear Rachel try to muffle the phone and instruct someone to call Kaylen’s friend.
“This just doesn’t make any sense. Why would Kaylen search you out and then at 14 find a bus to Chicago to go see you?” There was a short pause and then Rachel started talking again. “Have you been in contact with her? Have you been talking to my daughter behind my back?”
“No, I haven’t. I…..” Rachel wasn’t done.
“Who do you think you are trying to barge back into our lives after everything you put us through? I thought we made it clear that we wanted nothing to do with you.”
“I didn’t…..”
“And now you go behind my back and start talking to my daughter, an impressionable teenager? How dare you!”
“Rachel!” I yelled into the phone, successfully shutting her up for a moment. “She heard you and Lance fighting. She overheard you saying you just wish you hadn’t had her.”
“I never said…..oh, God. That’s not what I said, not what I meant. Did she run away?” she asked, realization striking her.
“She did, but she came here. She’s safe, Rachel.” I heard her laugh when I said that and cringed.
“I doubt anyone’s safe around you. Give me your address. I’ll be there in five hours.” It was late and it was going to be a long drive from St. Louis, but I didn’t argue with her. I knew better. “If you said anything to her…..” Rachel warned before hanging up the phone.
I sighed and fought back the tears that were trying to force themselves out from under my eyelids. I deserved it, everything she said. I just wanted her and the rest of my family to know. I wanted them to know I was different now even if they couldn't forgive me. Even so, there was also a small part of me that wanted to blame them and shove what I’d become in their faces. I composed myself before walking back into the living room and sitting down next to Kaylen.
“Your mom is on her way. I think she’s driving so she’ll be here in about five hours. You can go into the other room and get some sleep if you want. I’ll make up the bed,” I offered. Kaylen nodded but didn’t move from her position on the couch. She was staring at an invisible spot on the floor.
“Why did everyone tell us you were dead?” she asked after a moment. My eyes widened in surprise and I felt like my heart stopped. They’d what?
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” She glanced up at me and took in the shocked expression on my face.
“You didn’t know,” she whispered. I could feel the tears building again. I wasn’t sure if they were because of anger, pain, sadness, or a combo.
“What did they tell you?” I asked quietly. She thought for a moment before responding.
“One day you were just gone. They took down all the pictures of you and locked up your bedroom. Mom and Dad told me that you’d been in a car accident. They told everyone that. I saw the obituary in the newspaper when I was older.”
This new revelation stunned and hurt me. My family hadn’t just cut me out of their lives, they’d killed me. My family was capable of almost anything, but even that seemed low. Wasn’t I still their daughter, their sister? Didn’t that count for anything? They never even gave me a chance.
“How did you find out I wasn’t?” I asked Kaylen after a while. She shrugged.
“The story seemed a little off to me. I’ve heard the whispered stories about you. That you got into a lot of trouble. Then you were in a car accident? I’m good with computers and looked up the obituary. I didn’t think there would be one, but there was. Only there was no story about a car accident. You’d think the death of one of the daughters of Ogden and Ramona Tunney would be big news. I started searching for you and eventually found you,” she explained.
I nodded and wanted to ask her more. I wanted to know what she’d heard because I had to know what else my family had lied about when it came to me. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Instead I no longer tried to stop the tears, choosing to let them come. Kaylen slid over on the couch and put her arms around my shoulders.
“It’s why I came to you. I knew you’d understand what I was feeling because they did it to you,” she whispered.
I felt sick at her words. I couldn’t be sure that she was right, but I knew my family. She was probably right, and she didn’t deserve that. The Tunney’s wanted perfect little cookie cutter children. Anyone that dared to be different was shunned. I wanted to keep Kaylen here with me. I wanted to slam the door in Rachel’s face when she knocked on my door, but I knew I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do.
“Kaylen, listen to me. I’m not a good role model, for anyone. I did a lot of things wrong and screwed up more times than I can count. That’s not all their fault. I chose to do it. They were bad choices, but ultimately they were mine. Don’t look up to me. Don’t do what I did. Whatever they’ve said, whatever you’ve heard about me, at least part of it is true.”
“But not anymore. You have a great apartment with a dog and a boyfriend. I know that you’re a counselor and that you help kids. Your life isn’t so bad,” she argued. I looked at her sadly and shook my head.
“I’m lonely. Hardly a day in the last 10 years has gone by that I didn’t hate what I’d done and become. I lost them because of those choices. Until I met Patrick my life was lonely. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.” Kaylen took in my words and nodded. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote my phone number on it, without my name. “This is my number. You can call me anytime you need to.” She took it and folded it into a small square before tucking it into her pocket.
Kaylen fell asleep in the studio on the futon a little while later and I stayed awake waiting for the knock on the door that I was dreading. As I waited I called into work for the next day. There was no way I was going to be able to go into school tomorrow. I was too emotionally wrecked and exhausted to be of any use to a student.
My phone rang a while later indicating that someone was downstairs wanting to be buzzed up. It was Rachel and I did just that. Then I went in and woke up Kaylen. She was just coming out of the studio when the knock sounded on the door. Kaylen grabbed her bag as I went over to the door and pulled it open. Rachel stood there, arms crossed, with a look that could kill aimed right at me.
“Where is she?” she demanded. I took a step back and allowed her to come in.
“I’m right here, Mom,” Kaylen said. Rachel rushed over and hugged her.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’m so sorry. You know we didn’t mean that, right? We love you.”
Anyone who walked in and saw this scene would have found it sweet and heartbreaking to see a mother who loved her daughter so upset over saying something that caused her to run away. I, however, saw a mother who was only sorry that she’d have to explain this situation to her family. They separated and headed for the door. Kaylen hugged me on the way by.
“Thank you, Aunt Gabrielle,” she whispered. I smiled at her and watched her walk out the door. Rachel paused on her way out to look back at me.
“I have to admit I was surprised that you lived someplace as nice as this.” I clenched my jaw at the comment and refused to take the bait. “I don’t expect to be hearing from you again.” With that, she turned her back on me and closed the door behind her.
I stood there staring at the door long after their footsteps had faded away. I’d expected to be sad and depressed upon seeing the sister I’d let down so many years ago. Instead I only felt anger. How dare they? All of them.
The information Kaylen had given me opened the floodgates. Suddenly I wasn’t beating myself up for what I’d done back then. Now I was blaming them. I would never have been like that if they hadn’t been the way they were. They’d killed me when I left 10 years ago? No. They were dead to me now.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Chapter 20
“We’ve got a little bit of time to kill until it’s done simmering,” I told Patrick after adding the last of the ingredients to the Chicken Cacciatore I was making.
“I can think of something,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. I giggled, actually giggled.
“We don’t have that much time,” I declined.
“I can be quick,” he whispered, placing a kiss on my lips.
I was about to respond when there was a knock on the door. Patrick groaned as I pulled myself away from him. I figured it had to be a neighbor because I hadn’t buzzed anyone up. I realized I was wrong when I got to the door and opened it. I saw a teenage girl standing there who looked vaguely familiar.
“Are you Gabrielle Tunney?” she asked timidly. I noticed she had a gym bag with her on the floor.
“Yes, I am,” I told her cautiously. She looked relieved and nervous at the same time at my response.
“It’s Kaylen, Rachel’s daughter.” My eyes widened in shock and my breath caught in my throat. That was why she had looked familiar. It had been almost 10 years since I’d seen her, but she looked just like her mother.
“Kaylen, what are you doing here?” At my question she burst into tears and rushed into my arms. Not knowing what else to do, I pulled her into me and held her for a moment. “Okay, calm down. Why don’t you come in and we’ll talk?”
“Okay.” She sniffed before walking into my apartment. I walked over and grabbed her bag off the floor, a sinking feeling forming in my stomach. Had she run away? And why had she come to me?
Patrick waited in the kitchen for Gabrielle to get back. When she didn’t come back right away he started to wonder what was going on. Just as he was about to go see if she needed any help he saw a teenage girl walk around the corner. She jumped when she saw him, obviously not expecting him to be there. He noticed that she looked like she’d been crying.
“Oh, I’m sorry. She didn’t tell me anyone was here,” the girl apologized shyly. He smiled at her, not wanting to make her feel unwanted.
“That’s okay. We were just about to have dinner. Do you want to sit down and have some? There’s plenty,” he offered. She nodded and sat down at the table while he got up and grabbed another plate and set of silverware. Then he grabbed the Cacciatore off the stove and brought it over to the table. “Are you one of Gabrielle’s students?” he asked when he got back over to the table.
“No. She’s my aunt,” the girl told him. He looked at her in shock. Gabrielle’s niece? That couldn’t be. She’d told him she didn’t have any family.
“Oh, I didn’t realize. I’m Patrick,” he introduced himself, fighting the urge to question her.
“I’m Kaylen.” He placed the Cacciatore down on the table in front of her just as Gabrielle walked in. He looked up at her and gave her a questioning look. Gabrielle looked shocked herself.
“I’m going to go and let you and your niece catch up,” he told her, trying to keep the edge out of his voice. Gabrielle’s face fell at his statement and anger built up in him. So she had lied to him about not having any family. He grabbed his jacket off of one of the bar stools and headed right for the door.
“Patrick, wait!” he heard her call after him once he was in the hallway. He spun around on her.
“I thought you didn’t have any family,” he spat at her. He was both hurt and angry at the lie. Why would she have lied to him about that?
“I don’t,” she responded quietly.
“Is that or is that not your niece?” he asked pointing at her apartment, his voice raising a decibel. He saw tears well up in her eyes.
“You don’t understand,” she started.
“Cut the shit, Gabrielle. That’s not a hard question to answer. Yes or no?” He was losing patience with her.
“Yes,” she whispered so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. The anger surged through him at the answer. Instead of saying anything he might regret he turned and made his way to the elevator. “Patrick, please.”
“I need time,” he said through gritted teeth. The elevator opened in front of him and he got in without looking back at her.
I watched Patrick get on the elevator as tears fell down my cheeks. I wanted to chase after him, to explain, but I couldn’t. Right now Kaylen was in my apartment and something had obviously really upset her. Upset her enough to search me out and come to me. I wiped the tears away and shook Patrick out of my mind before walking back in.
“Did he leave because of me?” Kaylen asked.
“No, honey, he left because he wanted to give us time to talk. Why don’t you start by telling me what you’re doing here?” She looked down at her hands in her lap and stayed silent. After a few moments I knew she wasn’t going to tell me right then. “Okay, well, why don’t we eat first? Are you hungry?”
She nodded and I sat down at the table across from her. I handed her the serving utensils and she took some food. I did the same when she was done and we began to eat. Neither of us said anything while we did. It wasn’t until we were both done and I’d picked up the dishes that I turned back to her.
“Okay, Kaylen, you need to tell me what’s going on,” I told her firmly. I saw tears building up in her eyes again, but she still didn’t answer me. Then something hit me that I probably should have thought of before. “Do your parents know you’re here?”
“No,” she croaked out. I covered my face with my hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I sat up and looked at Kaylen.
“It’s okay, really. I just need to call your mother.” Boy did I not look forward to making that phone call.
“No!” she yelled out quickly. I turned back to her.
“Then you need to tell me what’s going on.”
“They didn’t want me,” she mumbled.
“Who didn’t?” I prodded.
“Mom and Dad. They don’t want me.” My heart broke for her when I heard that. I knew that feeling all too well.
“That’s not true, honey. They love you.” She shook her head adamantly.
“I heard them talking. They were fighting. They were saying that I was too much trouble and blaming each other for how I’d turned out.”
My heart broke for her. I highly doubted that my sister and her husband didn’t want or love Kaylen, but I also knew how hurtful hearing things like that could be. I let her talk, get everything out of her system before interjecting and giving her any advice or an opinion. I didn’t want to push her away and cause her to run out, because if she’d come to me, then she really wouldn’t have anywhere to go after.
She got everything she’d been holding inside of her out, telling me that nothing she did was good enough, they didn’t understand her, they didn’t support any decision she made. To be honest it was fairly typical problems a 14 year old might have with their parents. There was just one difference. That difference was Rachel and her husband Lance.
Rachel was the oldest of my two sisters and 12 years older than me. There was a big age difference between both Rachel and Bailey and I, but Rachel and I had always been the most distant. To Rachel, if it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t okay. At least she’d been like that when I was growing up. I doubted that in the almost 10 years I’d been away from home that she’d changed much.
I talked to Kaylen for a while trying to reassure her that Rachel and Lance did in fact love her, and that there would always be fights. That didn’t mean that any of it was Kaylen’s fault. I eventually got her calmed down enough to get her parents’ phone number out of her. I picked up the phone and prepared myself for a phone call I didn’t want to make. I hadn’t spoken to Rachel since I’d left home and I really didn’t know what to expect when I called and told her that her daughter was currently with me. I took a deep breath and dialed.
“Hello?” a female voice answered.
“Rachel?” I asked.
“Yes,” she responded cautiously. I doubt many people called her and addressed her like that.
“Hi, it’s Gabrielle.”
“I can think of something,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. I giggled, actually giggled.
“We don’t have that much time,” I declined.
“I can be quick,” he whispered, placing a kiss on my lips.
I was about to respond when there was a knock on the door. Patrick groaned as I pulled myself away from him. I figured it had to be a neighbor because I hadn’t buzzed anyone up. I realized I was wrong when I got to the door and opened it. I saw a teenage girl standing there who looked vaguely familiar.
“Are you Gabrielle Tunney?” she asked timidly. I noticed she had a gym bag with her on the floor.
“Yes, I am,” I told her cautiously. She looked relieved and nervous at the same time at my response.
“It’s Kaylen, Rachel’s daughter.” My eyes widened in shock and my breath caught in my throat. That was why she had looked familiar. It had been almost 10 years since I’d seen her, but she looked just like her mother.
“Kaylen, what are you doing here?” At my question she burst into tears and rushed into my arms. Not knowing what else to do, I pulled her into me and held her for a moment. “Okay, calm down. Why don’t you come in and we’ll talk?”
“Okay.” She sniffed before walking into my apartment. I walked over and grabbed her bag off the floor, a sinking feeling forming in my stomach. Had she run away? And why had she come to me?
Patrick waited in the kitchen for Gabrielle to get back. When she didn’t come back right away he started to wonder what was going on. Just as he was about to go see if she needed any help he saw a teenage girl walk around the corner. She jumped when she saw him, obviously not expecting him to be there. He noticed that she looked like she’d been crying.
“Oh, I’m sorry. She didn’t tell me anyone was here,” the girl apologized shyly. He smiled at her, not wanting to make her feel unwanted.
“That’s okay. We were just about to have dinner. Do you want to sit down and have some? There’s plenty,” he offered. She nodded and sat down at the table while he got up and grabbed another plate and set of silverware. Then he grabbed the Cacciatore off the stove and brought it over to the table. “Are you one of Gabrielle’s students?” he asked when he got back over to the table.
“No. She’s my aunt,” the girl told him. He looked at her in shock. Gabrielle’s niece? That couldn’t be. She’d told him she didn’t have any family.
“Oh, I didn’t realize. I’m Patrick,” he introduced himself, fighting the urge to question her.
“I’m Kaylen.” He placed the Cacciatore down on the table in front of her just as Gabrielle walked in. He looked up at her and gave her a questioning look. Gabrielle looked shocked herself.
“I’m going to go and let you and your niece catch up,” he told her, trying to keep the edge out of his voice. Gabrielle’s face fell at his statement and anger built up in him. So she had lied to him about not having any family. He grabbed his jacket off of one of the bar stools and headed right for the door.
“Patrick, wait!” he heard her call after him once he was in the hallway. He spun around on her.
“I thought you didn’t have any family,” he spat at her. He was both hurt and angry at the lie. Why would she have lied to him about that?
“I don’t,” she responded quietly.
“Is that or is that not your niece?” he asked pointing at her apartment, his voice raising a decibel. He saw tears well up in her eyes.
“You don’t understand,” she started.
“Cut the shit, Gabrielle. That’s not a hard question to answer. Yes or no?” He was losing patience with her.
“Yes,” she whispered so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. The anger surged through him at the answer. Instead of saying anything he might regret he turned and made his way to the elevator. “Patrick, please.”
“I need time,” he said through gritted teeth. The elevator opened in front of him and he got in without looking back at her.
I watched Patrick get on the elevator as tears fell down my cheeks. I wanted to chase after him, to explain, but I couldn’t. Right now Kaylen was in my apartment and something had obviously really upset her. Upset her enough to search me out and come to me. I wiped the tears away and shook Patrick out of my mind before walking back in.
“Did he leave because of me?” Kaylen asked.
“No, honey, he left because he wanted to give us time to talk. Why don’t you start by telling me what you’re doing here?” She looked down at her hands in her lap and stayed silent. After a few moments I knew she wasn’t going to tell me right then. “Okay, well, why don’t we eat first? Are you hungry?”
She nodded and I sat down at the table across from her. I handed her the serving utensils and she took some food. I did the same when she was done and we began to eat. Neither of us said anything while we did. It wasn’t until we were both done and I’d picked up the dishes that I turned back to her.
“Okay, Kaylen, you need to tell me what’s going on,” I told her firmly. I saw tears building up in her eyes again, but she still didn’t answer me. Then something hit me that I probably should have thought of before. “Do your parents know you’re here?”
“No,” she croaked out. I covered my face with my hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I sat up and looked at Kaylen.
“It’s okay, really. I just need to call your mother.” Boy did I not look forward to making that phone call.
“No!” she yelled out quickly. I turned back to her.
“Then you need to tell me what’s going on.”
“They didn’t want me,” she mumbled.
“Who didn’t?” I prodded.
“Mom and Dad. They don’t want me.” My heart broke for her when I heard that. I knew that feeling all too well.
“That’s not true, honey. They love you.” She shook her head adamantly.
“I heard them talking. They were fighting. They were saying that I was too much trouble and blaming each other for how I’d turned out.”
My heart broke for her. I highly doubted that my sister and her husband didn’t want or love Kaylen, but I also knew how hurtful hearing things like that could be. I let her talk, get everything out of her system before interjecting and giving her any advice or an opinion. I didn’t want to push her away and cause her to run out, because if she’d come to me, then she really wouldn’t have anywhere to go after.
She got everything she’d been holding inside of her out, telling me that nothing she did was good enough, they didn’t understand her, they didn’t support any decision she made. To be honest it was fairly typical problems a 14 year old might have with their parents. There was just one difference. That difference was Rachel and her husband Lance.
Rachel was the oldest of my two sisters and 12 years older than me. There was a big age difference between both Rachel and Bailey and I, but Rachel and I had always been the most distant. To Rachel, if it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t okay. At least she’d been like that when I was growing up. I doubted that in the almost 10 years I’d been away from home that she’d changed much.
I talked to Kaylen for a while trying to reassure her that Rachel and Lance did in fact love her, and that there would always be fights. That didn’t mean that any of it was Kaylen’s fault. I eventually got her calmed down enough to get her parents’ phone number out of her. I picked up the phone and prepared myself for a phone call I didn’t want to make. I hadn’t spoken to Rachel since I’d left home and I really didn’t know what to expect when I called and told her that her daughter was currently with me. I took a deep breath and dialed.
“Hello?” a female voice answered.
“Rachel?” I asked.
“Yes,” she responded cautiously. I doubt many people called her and addressed her like that.
“Hi, it’s Gabrielle.”
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Chapter 19
The ringing sound of a phone broke me out of a deep sleep. It took me a moment to realize what was making the sound and I felt Patrick shift next to me, the ringing waking him up as well. I blindly reached out for my phone in the dark as I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It read 2:53 am. Who the hell would be calling me right now?
“Hello?” I half mumbled, half growled into the phone. I felt Patrick’s arm snake around my stomach and pull me back into him. I felt him nuzzle into my neck and smiled at the touch.
“Gabrielle? It’s Officer Monahan.” I squeezed my eyes closed and fought back the annoyance. I was going to kill Nathan. Right before the Winter Classic too. He should know better. “I have a girl down here by the name of Gia Henderson.” Wait, what?
“Gia’s there?” I bolted upright out of Patrick’s grip.
“Yeah. She’s really upset and refuses to talk to anyone except for you.” I was already out of bed and searching for my clothes.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I hung up the phone without waiting for a response.
“What’s going on?” Patrick asked, sitting up in bed.
“I have to go. One of my student’s is in trouble. Can I leave Loxley here until I can get back?” I was dressed even before the question was asked.
“Yeah, sure.” Patrick said something else, but I was already bolting out the door.
It was very unlike Gia to get into any trouble. She’d only been coming to me because she’d skipped some school, her grades had dropped, and she seemed depressed. There had been no sign that she was going to get into trouble with the police. I had no idea what to expect when I arrived at the police station nor did I know why she would only talk to me.
I pulled up in front of the station in record time and ran inside. I told the officer in the front that I needed to speak to Officer Monahan immediately and waited impatiently to see Quentin walk around the corner. When he did I looked at him expectantly and saw the grim look on his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked as he led me back towards the interrogation rooms.
“One of our officers found Gia walking alone down the street in torn clothes and crying. When they stopped to check on her she became hysterical, so they brought her in. The only thing she’ll say is that she needs to talk to you,” he explained.
I looked through the two-way mirror at Gia who was seated at a table. There was a bottle of water untouched in front of her. She lifted her head to look around the room and I could see her red-rimmed eyes along with what looked to be a forming bruise on her cheek. I heard Quentin curse when he saw it too. I made my way to the door and walked in. Gia began to cry again when she saw me. I rushed over to her and pulled her into a hug, allowing her time to cry.
“Gia, what happened?” I asked her when she’d calmed down a bit.
“I thought he was my friend,” she started quietly. She stopped just after speaking those words, turning her head away from me. I felt sick, knowing exactly what she was trying to tell me.
“Who, Gia?” I pushed, hoping for an answer. A sob was the only response she gave me. “Okay, it’s okay. We should get you to a hospital and make sure you’re alright.” She nodded and I helped her up and out of the chair.
Gia and I left the police station and I drove her to the hospital, my heart aching the whole time. A doctor came and checked Gia out, confirming that she was okay. While we waited she opened up to me a little more and I convinced her to have a rape kit done. A few hours later after talking to the police, we were able to leave.
“Let’s get you home,” I said as I led her out of the hospital and over to my car.
“No!” she exclaimed. I turned to her in surprise at the vehemence in her voice. She looked away quickly, seemingly embarrassed by her outburst. “My parents are out of town for a couple of days. I don’t want to be alone.”
So instead of driving Gia back to her place, I brought her to mine. The sun had risen by the time we got to my apartment, and Gia and I were both exhausted. I gave her some clothes to change into and cleaned up my studio and made the futon up like a bed while she changed. Gia was asleep within minutes of lying down, but I was wide awake, unwelcome thoughts running through my mind.
Gia slept through the morning while I made a phone call to Isaiah who had a phone number for Gia’s parents. Then I called her parents, and received their permission to let her stay with me until they got home, saying only that being alone was making her nervous. A little while later, my phone rang.
“Hey, I’m downstairs with Loxley,” Patrick told me. I cringed, not really sure about having him in my apartment in case Gia woke up. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.
“Okay, come on up.” A few minutes later, Patrick was walking through the door, Loxley in tow.
“Everything okay from last night?” he asked. I shook my head and put a finger to my lips to indicate that he should be quiet.
“It couldn’t be much worse. Gia’s here right now. She’s going to be here until just after New Years.” To his credit, he looked concerned, but nodded.
“Okay. I’ll just go then. I’ll call you later?” I was about to respond when a voice spoke up from behind me.
“Ms. Tunney?” I turned to see Gia walking from around the corner. She stopped when she saw Patrick standing in front of me. I noticed that she had changed back into her own clothes.
“Hey, can I get you something?” I asked her. She shook her head, but didn’t respond, instead keeping her eyes on Patrick. “I talked to your parents. I told them you were nervous about being home alone, and they agreed to let you stay here until they got home.” She nodded, but didn’t respond.
“Hi, I’m Patrick. I was watching Gabrielle’s dog for her last night and just stopped by to drop Loxley off,” he said pointing towards Lox, who was watching Gia cautiously. Gia turned her attention to Loxley and I saw a small smile form.
“I didn’t know you had a dog,” she said to me, her eyes still on Lox.
“Yeah, that’s Loxley. He’s really friendly, I promise,” I assured her. She knelt down and held her hand out for him. Loxley walked over, sniffed her for a moment and then let her pet him.
“I love dogs. I wish my parents would let me have one,” she said as she scratched his belly.
“You know, Gia, I’m going to be busy until New Years Day and won’t have much time to spend with my dog. If it’s okay with Gabrielle, how would you feel about watching my dog Dudley for me for the next couple of days?” Patrick offered. She looked up with a grin on her face as I turned to Patrick in surprise.
“Sure, it’s okay with me if she’s willing,” I said, trying to hold in my own smile. It was uncanny how well Patrick could read people and situations. The guy was a saint.
“I’d love to!” she exclaimed.
“Great. I have to get going, but I’ll be back later with Dudley. I’ll bring some dinner and let you know everything he likes and doesn’t like.” She nodded and turned her attention back to Loxley, who was eating up all the attention he was getting. I turned to Patrick and smiled gratefully at him.
“I guess I’ll see you tonight,” I told him.
“Let me know what she wants to eat and I’ll get it. Does 6 sound okay?” I nodded and he smiled at me before turning and walking out the door.
During dinner that night Gia talked more than I’d ever heard her talk before. I’d brought her home to grab some of her stuff and she’d been taking pictures of the dogs all day. When Patrick had come over she’d spent a long time showing them to him and he good naturedly let her. Was there anything wrong with this guy at all, because right now he was a saint.
The topic of the Winter Classic came up and despite not being into sports, Gia seemed fascinated by the idea of it. Patrick promised to get an extra ticket since I was already taking Nathan. Gia agreed, eager for the opportunity to take photos at such a major event. To be honest, I hadn’t seen Gia this happy in a long time, and especially after something so traumatic. Patrick was truly a godsend.
Patrick came over and I cooked dinner on New Years Eve. He stayed long enough to see midnight before heading home to get some sleep before the big game. The next day Gia and I left to pick Nathan up at the school. The three of us then headed off to the game. Gia and Nathan had known each other, but weren’t friends. That didn’t matter as we got to Wrigley Field. Just the excitement of the game had them both chattering away.
Despite the fact that the Hawks lost, the three of us still had a great time. Gia had her camera out almost the entire game taking pictures of the game, the stadium, and the crowd. By the end of the game I think almost everyone in there had posed for her at one point or another. Nathan had just been excited to be able to attend the Winter Classic for his favorite team, an opportunity he wouldn’t have had just a few months before.
When the game was over we all waited for Patrick and talked with the rest of the families of the guys that had gone to the game. Due to the atmosphere of the whole experience, no one seemed upset, and conversation was easy. When Patrick finally came out after all the interviews he’d had he took the three of us out for dinner.
Gia’s parents came the next day to pick her up and she’d given me a hug before she walked out the door. I didn’t know what things would be like with her once school started back up, or if she would open up to me anymore, but I hoped that these past few days would help. As much as I wished I could say that I’d been able to get through to her a bit, I knew it was all because of Patrick, which I made sure to tell him that night.
“I really need to thank you for what you did not just for Gia, but for Nathan,” I told him.
“I haven’t done anything,” he denied. I looked straight into his eyes.
“Yes, you have. You have no idea what those two kids have gone through. I could have only gotten so far with them in this amount of time. If it wasn’t for you and the things you’ve done, they may not be how they are now. Nathan is going to school and getting his grades up ever since you agreed to let us come to games and being able to make Gia smile after what she went through the other night is more invaluable than you’ll ever know. Thank you.”
I didn’t say it, and I’m not sure I ever would, but helping them was really helping me. He didn’t know it, but Gia and Nathan were more like me than he could ever guess. I wasn’t ready to come out and tell him what had happened in my life yet, but seeing how he handled them gave me hope. It gave me hope that when I was ready for him to really see me that he may not run the other way.
“Hello?” I half mumbled, half growled into the phone. I felt Patrick’s arm snake around my stomach and pull me back into him. I felt him nuzzle into my neck and smiled at the touch.
“Gabrielle? It’s Officer Monahan.” I squeezed my eyes closed and fought back the annoyance. I was going to kill Nathan. Right before the Winter Classic too. He should know better. “I have a girl down here by the name of Gia Henderson.” Wait, what?
“Gia’s there?” I bolted upright out of Patrick’s grip.
“Yeah. She’s really upset and refuses to talk to anyone except for you.” I was already out of bed and searching for my clothes.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I hung up the phone without waiting for a response.
“What’s going on?” Patrick asked, sitting up in bed.
“I have to go. One of my student’s is in trouble. Can I leave Loxley here until I can get back?” I was dressed even before the question was asked.
“Yeah, sure.” Patrick said something else, but I was already bolting out the door.
It was very unlike Gia to get into any trouble. She’d only been coming to me because she’d skipped some school, her grades had dropped, and she seemed depressed. There had been no sign that she was going to get into trouble with the police. I had no idea what to expect when I arrived at the police station nor did I know why she would only talk to me.
I pulled up in front of the station in record time and ran inside. I told the officer in the front that I needed to speak to Officer Monahan immediately and waited impatiently to see Quentin walk around the corner. When he did I looked at him expectantly and saw the grim look on his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked as he led me back towards the interrogation rooms.
“One of our officers found Gia walking alone down the street in torn clothes and crying. When they stopped to check on her she became hysterical, so they brought her in. The only thing she’ll say is that she needs to talk to you,” he explained.
I looked through the two-way mirror at Gia who was seated at a table. There was a bottle of water untouched in front of her. She lifted her head to look around the room and I could see her red-rimmed eyes along with what looked to be a forming bruise on her cheek. I heard Quentin curse when he saw it too. I made my way to the door and walked in. Gia began to cry again when she saw me. I rushed over to her and pulled her into a hug, allowing her time to cry.
“Gia, what happened?” I asked her when she’d calmed down a bit.
“I thought he was my friend,” she started quietly. She stopped just after speaking those words, turning her head away from me. I felt sick, knowing exactly what she was trying to tell me.
“Who, Gia?” I pushed, hoping for an answer. A sob was the only response she gave me. “Okay, it’s okay. We should get you to a hospital and make sure you’re alright.” She nodded and I helped her up and out of the chair.
Gia and I left the police station and I drove her to the hospital, my heart aching the whole time. A doctor came and checked Gia out, confirming that she was okay. While we waited she opened up to me a little more and I convinced her to have a rape kit done. A few hours later after talking to the police, we were able to leave.
“Let’s get you home,” I said as I led her out of the hospital and over to my car.
“No!” she exclaimed. I turned to her in surprise at the vehemence in her voice. She looked away quickly, seemingly embarrassed by her outburst. “My parents are out of town for a couple of days. I don’t want to be alone.”
So instead of driving Gia back to her place, I brought her to mine. The sun had risen by the time we got to my apartment, and Gia and I were both exhausted. I gave her some clothes to change into and cleaned up my studio and made the futon up like a bed while she changed. Gia was asleep within minutes of lying down, but I was wide awake, unwelcome thoughts running through my mind.
Gia slept through the morning while I made a phone call to Isaiah who had a phone number for Gia’s parents. Then I called her parents, and received their permission to let her stay with me until they got home, saying only that being alone was making her nervous. A little while later, my phone rang.
“Hey, I’m downstairs with Loxley,” Patrick told me. I cringed, not really sure about having him in my apartment in case Gia woke up. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.
“Okay, come on up.” A few minutes later, Patrick was walking through the door, Loxley in tow.
“Everything okay from last night?” he asked. I shook my head and put a finger to my lips to indicate that he should be quiet.
“It couldn’t be much worse. Gia’s here right now. She’s going to be here until just after New Years.” To his credit, he looked concerned, but nodded.
“Okay. I’ll just go then. I’ll call you later?” I was about to respond when a voice spoke up from behind me.
“Ms. Tunney?” I turned to see Gia walking from around the corner. She stopped when she saw Patrick standing in front of me. I noticed that she had changed back into her own clothes.
“Hey, can I get you something?” I asked her. She shook her head, but didn’t respond, instead keeping her eyes on Patrick. “I talked to your parents. I told them you were nervous about being home alone, and they agreed to let you stay here until they got home.” She nodded, but didn’t respond.
“Hi, I’m Patrick. I was watching Gabrielle’s dog for her last night and just stopped by to drop Loxley off,” he said pointing towards Lox, who was watching Gia cautiously. Gia turned her attention to Loxley and I saw a small smile form.
“I didn’t know you had a dog,” she said to me, her eyes still on Lox.
“Yeah, that’s Loxley. He’s really friendly, I promise,” I assured her. She knelt down and held her hand out for him. Loxley walked over, sniffed her for a moment and then let her pet him.
“I love dogs. I wish my parents would let me have one,” she said as she scratched his belly.
“You know, Gia, I’m going to be busy until New Years Day and won’t have much time to spend with my dog. If it’s okay with Gabrielle, how would you feel about watching my dog Dudley for me for the next couple of days?” Patrick offered. She looked up with a grin on her face as I turned to Patrick in surprise.
“Sure, it’s okay with me if she’s willing,” I said, trying to hold in my own smile. It was uncanny how well Patrick could read people and situations. The guy was a saint.
“I’d love to!” she exclaimed.
“Great. I have to get going, but I’ll be back later with Dudley. I’ll bring some dinner and let you know everything he likes and doesn’t like.” She nodded and turned her attention back to Loxley, who was eating up all the attention he was getting. I turned to Patrick and smiled gratefully at him.
“I guess I’ll see you tonight,” I told him.
“Let me know what she wants to eat and I’ll get it. Does 6 sound okay?” I nodded and he smiled at me before turning and walking out the door.
During dinner that night Gia talked more than I’d ever heard her talk before. I’d brought her home to grab some of her stuff and she’d been taking pictures of the dogs all day. When Patrick had come over she’d spent a long time showing them to him and he good naturedly let her. Was there anything wrong with this guy at all, because right now he was a saint.
The topic of the Winter Classic came up and despite not being into sports, Gia seemed fascinated by the idea of it. Patrick promised to get an extra ticket since I was already taking Nathan. Gia agreed, eager for the opportunity to take photos at such a major event. To be honest, I hadn’t seen Gia this happy in a long time, and especially after something so traumatic. Patrick was truly a godsend.
Patrick came over and I cooked dinner on New Years Eve. He stayed long enough to see midnight before heading home to get some sleep before the big game. The next day Gia and I left to pick Nathan up at the school. The three of us then headed off to the game. Gia and Nathan had known each other, but weren’t friends. That didn’t matter as we got to Wrigley Field. Just the excitement of the game had them both chattering away.
Despite the fact that the Hawks lost, the three of us still had a great time. Gia had her camera out almost the entire game taking pictures of the game, the stadium, and the crowd. By the end of the game I think almost everyone in there had posed for her at one point or another. Nathan had just been excited to be able to attend the Winter Classic for his favorite team, an opportunity he wouldn’t have had just a few months before.
When the game was over we all waited for Patrick and talked with the rest of the families of the guys that had gone to the game. Due to the atmosphere of the whole experience, no one seemed upset, and conversation was easy. When Patrick finally came out after all the interviews he’d had he took the three of us out for dinner.
Gia’s parents came the next day to pick her up and she’d given me a hug before she walked out the door. I didn’t know what things would be like with her once school started back up, or if she would open up to me anymore, but I hoped that these past few days would help. As much as I wished I could say that I’d been able to get through to her a bit, I knew it was all because of Patrick, which I made sure to tell him that night.
“I really need to thank you for what you did not just for Gia, but for Nathan,” I told him.
“I haven’t done anything,” he denied. I looked straight into his eyes.
“Yes, you have. You have no idea what those two kids have gone through. I could have only gotten so far with them in this amount of time. If it wasn’t for you and the things you’ve done, they may not be how they are now. Nathan is going to school and getting his grades up ever since you agreed to let us come to games and being able to make Gia smile after what she went through the other night is more invaluable than you’ll ever know. Thank you.”
I didn’t say it, and I’m not sure I ever would, but helping them was really helping me. He didn’t know it, but Gia and Nathan were more like me than he could ever guess. I wasn’t ready to come out and tell him what had happened in my life yet, but seeing how he handled them gave me hope. It gave me hope that when I was ready for him to really see me that he may not run the other way.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Chapter 18
Two more days had passed in Thunder Bay with Patrick’s family and despite myself, I was having fun. His family was amazing. They were sweet, funny, and real. This was a real family, the prime example of a real family in fact. They laughed and joked with each other, telling embarrassing stories lovingly and without malice. I ached for that. My whole life I’d always ached for that.
Patrick and his father had gone outside to get something from a shed a while ago. Two days ago I would have felt awkward being left alone with his family, but not now. Now I hardly noticed that he was out of the room and I was alone with people I’d only just met. Periodically my mind would wander and I’d find myself almost waiting for the panic attack to come, because by now it should be, but it never did. It was never even close.
It didn’t even kick in a few hours later when the rest of Patrick’s family showed up for dinner. There were aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. The house was alive with strangers and despite the crowded house the panic attack never came. Somehow throughout the evening the genuine smile remained on my face as I met and talked with each of them.
Everyone was curious about me, the girl that Patrick had brought home from Chicago for Christmas. I strangely didn’t mind the attention they all seemed to be paying to me as I was basically given the third degree about my job, my hobbies, and what I was interested in. Oddly though, the topic of my family never once came up in all the conversation.
“Did you need a break?” I heard a voice ask from behind me. I’d grabbed a mug of coffee and had made my way outside.
“No, it’s not that. I just think it’s so pretty here at night with all the stars out. I don’t get to see stars like this too often,” I told Elise truthfully. She smiled at me and nodded.
“I guess that’s the downside to living in a big city.”
“Only one of many,” I joked. She laughed a little and then we stood there in silence looking out over the stars for a while.
“You know, Patrick’s never brought anyone home for Christmas before, even when they lived close by. In fact, since he moved away from home almost 9 years ago he’s only introduced us to one other girl.”
Her words caught me by surprise and I wasn’t really sure what to say. I looked over at her and she simply smiled at me before turning and walking back into the house leaving me outside with that statement running through my head. She’d come out here to specifically tell me that and make sure I knew that I was different, but why? I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, or any of it.
“Are you ever coming back inside?” This time it was Patrick’s voice that I heard behind me. I turned back to him and smiled, trying desperately to hide the turmoil going on inside of me.
“Yeah, I was just about to.” He held the door open for me and followed me back inside.
A little while later we were all seated around a long table covered in food. Plates were passed around and everyone was encouraged to take as much as they wanted, because leftovers were not desired. The same jovial conversation I’d been witnessing the past few days continued through dinner and I found myself temporarily forgetting about what Elise had told me.
No one was in a hurry to get up from the table once we’d all been stuffed full of food. It was only when Ian decided it was time for after dinner drinks that anyone made a move to leave their chairs. I got up along with Patrick and prepared to head out into the living room with the majority of the others when Elise surprised me again.
“Gabrielle, do you think you could help me clean off the table?” she called over to me.
I stood frozen in my spot for a moment. She glanced back at me over her shoulder as she carried a dish into the kitchen, and smiled warmly. What she’d said to me outside on the porch suddenly came rushing back into my head as sudden understanding flooded my brain. I fought back the tears and picked up a dish myself, carrying it into the kitchen behind her.
Patrick followed his father across the snowy yard to the shed his parents had along the tree line in their backyard. He wasn’t sure exactly what they needed, but when his father had asked for help with something, he hadn’t questioned him. They stepped inside the shed and his father turned the light on.
“So what did we need to get?” Patrick asked, looking around at the boxes and tools that were stored in there.
“Nothing really,” his father replied. Patrick looked at him in understanding. His father wanted to talk to him about Gabrielle alone. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the work table.
“What do you have to say?” he asked. Ian took a similar stance against the wall across from Patrick.
“Gabrielle is different, isn’t she?” Patrick knew what he meant, and he nodded.
“I can’t explain it, but yeah, she is. There’s just something about her.”
“You’ve never brought anyone home with you before. Especially over a holiday like Christmas.”
“I told you about her family,” Patrick started and Ian nodded his head.
“Yeah, you said she doesn’t have any. What happened?” he asked. Patrick sighed and shrugged.
“She hasn’t said and I haven’t asked. I can tell that whatever it was wasn’t good. She won’t talk about them. The pain in her eyes is very apparent when they come up and I can see how difficult it is for her. I think there might have been an accident,” Patrick told him.
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, something had to happen for her to lose both her parents and two sisters at the same time. I also noticed some scars on her arms that she told me came from glass in an accident, but she clammed up pretty quickly about those too. I think she was the only one that survived.” Ian took that information in and was quiet for a while.
“I’m sorry that anyone has to live with something like that. It can’t be easy,” he said after a while. Patrick agreed.
“That’s my only hesitation with her. Everything else is amazing. I just wish she’d open up to me about them and about what happened,” Patrick explained.
“People grieve in their own ways. Maybe when she lost them she lost the only people she’d been able to rely on. It takes time to be able to trust someone again.”
Patrick took that in, knowing his father was right. He would just have to be patient with Gabrielle and let her realize that he was here to stay as long as she’d have him and that she could trust him. Being here with her and watching her with his family had shown him even more that she was someone special, something different.
“If it helps, we all like her,” his father said. Patrick smiled over at him.
“Thanks.” Ian turned and began to search the shed, signaling the talk was over.
“We should probably find something in here to bring into the house. Otherwise they’ll wonder what we were doing out here.” Patrick laughed and began to help his father search for something.
Later that night Patrick watched Gabby help his mother and his aunt clean up the table after dinner. It was the last night they’d be here with an early flight back to Chicago the next morning. Even so, he couldn’t keep the smile off of his face when he thought about the break they’d had and shared together.
As the night wore on, everyone began to pack up and leave. He and Gabrielle hung back to say goodbye to his immediate family when the rest were gone. After doing so they got into the car and headed back to his house. The car ride was silent and Gabrielle kept her face turned towards the window and away from him. He wondered what that was about.
After pulling into the driveway he parked and got out of the car. When he got around it and reached Gabrielle he heard a sniffle. At first he assumed her nose might be running from the cold, but when he heard another immediately following the first he grabbed her arm and turned her to look at him. He was surprised to find tears flowing freely down her face.
“Gabby, what’s wrong?” he asked, concerned.
“Your mom asked me to help clean off the table,” she said between sniffs.
He was confused for a moment. She was crying because she was asked to help with chores? Really? But as he looked into her eyes searching for the cause of the tears he found his answer. Guests were never allowed to help with any sort of chore in his parents’ house and he could blatantly remember his mother saying that to Gabrielle when she’d offered to help with something the first day she'd met them.
He pulled Gabrielle into his arms and let her continue to cry on his shoulder. He wasn’t sure exactly what to say or do and figured that just letting her cry was the best thing. Tonight she’d gone from being a guest with no family to being accepted into his. He couldn’t imagine the emotions that were going through her right now. He heard her crying begin to fade and pulled away just a little.
“Why don’t we get inside out of the cold?” he suggested. She nodded and let him lead her inside.
She took off her coat and walked straight upstairs. He followed her a few minutes later after grabbing some things that they would need in the morning and found her tucked into bed. She was no longer crying, and he changed before getting into bed beside her. She turned over to him and looked straight into his eyes.
“Thank you for bringing me here with you,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome,” he returned before placing a kiss on her forehead.
She buried her head into his shoulder and closed her eyes. He watched her sleep for a while as he thought about what had just happened. He felt like she’d just cracked open a door for him, no longer keeping him completely shut out. He couldn't have been happier.
Patrick and his father had gone outside to get something from a shed a while ago. Two days ago I would have felt awkward being left alone with his family, but not now. Now I hardly noticed that he was out of the room and I was alone with people I’d only just met. Periodically my mind would wander and I’d find myself almost waiting for the panic attack to come, because by now it should be, but it never did. It was never even close.
It didn’t even kick in a few hours later when the rest of Patrick’s family showed up for dinner. There were aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. The house was alive with strangers and despite the crowded house the panic attack never came. Somehow throughout the evening the genuine smile remained on my face as I met and talked with each of them.
Everyone was curious about me, the girl that Patrick had brought home from Chicago for Christmas. I strangely didn’t mind the attention they all seemed to be paying to me as I was basically given the third degree about my job, my hobbies, and what I was interested in. Oddly though, the topic of my family never once came up in all the conversation.
“Did you need a break?” I heard a voice ask from behind me. I’d grabbed a mug of coffee and had made my way outside.
“No, it’s not that. I just think it’s so pretty here at night with all the stars out. I don’t get to see stars like this too often,” I told Elise truthfully. She smiled at me and nodded.
“I guess that’s the downside to living in a big city.”
“Only one of many,” I joked. She laughed a little and then we stood there in silence looking out over the stars for a while.
“You know, Patrick’s never brought anyone home for Christmas before, even when they lived close by. In fact, since he moved away from home almost 9 years ago he’s only introduced us to one other girl.”
Her words caught me by surprise and I wasn’t really sure what to say. I looked over at her and she simply smiled at me before turning and walking back into the house leaving me outside with that statement running through my head. She’d come out here to specifically tell me that and make sure I knew that I was different, but why? I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, or any of it.
“Are you ever coming back inside?” This time it was Patrick’s voice that I heard behind me. I turned back to him and smiled, trying desperately to hide the turmoil going on inside of me.
“Yeah, I was just about to.” He held the door open for me and followed me back inside.
A little while later we were all seated around a long table covered in food. Plates were passed around and everyone was encouraged to take as much as they wanted, because leftovers were not desired. The same jovial conversation I’d been witnessing the past few days continued through dinner and I found myself temporarily forgetting about what Elise had told me.
No one was in a hurry to get up from the table once we’d all been stuffed full of food. It was only when Ian decided it was time for after dinner drinks that anyone made a move to leave their chairs. I got up along with Patrick and prepared to head out into the living room with the majority of the others when Elise surprised me again.
“Gabrielle, do you think you could help me clean off the table?” she called over to me.
I stood frozen in my spot for a moment. She glanced back at me over her shoulder as she carried a dish into the kitchen, and smiled warmly. What she’d said to me outside on the porch suddenly came rushing back into my head as sudden understanding flooded my brain. I fought back the tears and picked up a dish myself, carrying it into the kitchen behind her.
Patrick followed his father across the snowy yard to the shed his parents had along the tree line in their backyard. He wasn’t sure exactly what they needed, but when his father had asked for help with something, he hadn’t questioned him. They stepped inside the shed and his father turned the light on.
“So what did we need to get?” Patrick asked, looking around at the boxes and tools that were stored in there.
“Nothing really,” his father replied. Patrick looked at him in understanding. His father wanted to talk to him about Gabrielle alone. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the work table.
“What do you have to say?” he asked. Ian took a similar stance against the wall across from Patrick.
“Gabrielle is different, isn’t she?” Patrick knew what he meant, and he nodded.
“I can’t explain it, but yeah, she is. There’s just something about her.”
“You’ve never brought anyone home with you before. Especially over a holiday like Christmas.”
“I told you about her family,” Patrick started and Ian nodded his head.
“Yeah, you said she doesn’t have any. What happened?” he asked. Patrick sighed and shrugged.
“She hasn’t said and I haven’t asked. I can tell that whatever it was wasn’t good. She won’t talk about them. The pain in her eyes is very apparent when they come up and I can see how difficult it is for her. I think there might have been an accident,” Patrick told him.
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, something had to happen for her to lose both her parents and two sisters at the same time. I also noticed some scars on her arms that she told me came from glass in an accident, but she clammed up pretty quickly about those too. I think she was the only one that survived.” Ian took that information in and was quiet for a while.
“I’m sorry that anyone has to live with something like that. It can’t be easy,” he said after a while. Patrick agreed.
“That’s my only hesitation with her. Everything else is amazing. I just wish she’d open up to me about them and about what happened,” Patrick explained.
“People grieve in their own ways. Maybe when she lost them she lost the only people she’d been able to rely on. It takes time to be able to trust someone again.”
Patrick took that in, knowing his father was right. He would just have to be patient with Gabrielle and let her realize that he was here to stay as long as she’d have him and that she could trust him. Being here with her and watching her with his family had shown him even more that she was someone special, something different.
“If it helps, we all like her,” his father said. Patrick smiled over at him.
“Thanks.” Ian turned and began to search the shed, signaling the talk was over.
“We should probably find something in here to bring into the house. Otherwise they’ll wonder what we were doing out here.” Patrick laughed and began to help his father search for something.
Later that night Patrick watched Gabby help his mother and his aunt clean up the table after dinner. It was the last night they’d be here with an early flight back to Chicago the next morning. Even so, he couldn’t keep the smile off of his face when he thought about the break they’d had and shared together.
As the night wore on, everyone began to pack up and leave. He and Gabrielle hung back to say goodbye to his immediate family when the rest were gone. After doing so they got into the car and headed back to his house. The car ride was silent and Gabrielle kept her face turned towards the window and away from him. He wondered what that was about.
After pulling into the driveway he parked and got out of the car. When he got around it and reached Gabrielle he heard a sniffle. At first he assumed her nose might be running from the cold, but when he heard another immediately following the first he grabbed her arm and turned her to look at him. He was surprised to find tears flowing freely down her face.
“Gabby, what’s wrong?” he asked, concerned.
“Your mom asked me to help clean off the table,” she said between sniffs.
He was confused for a moment. She was crying because she was asked to help with chores? Really? But as he looked into her eyes searching for the cause of the tears he found his answer. Guests were never allowed to help with any sort of chore in his parents’ house and he could blatantly remember his mother saying that to Gabrielle when she’d offered to help with something the first day she'd met them.
He pulled Gabrielle into his arms and let her continue to cry on his shoulder. He wasn’t sure exactly what to say or do and figured that just letting her cry was the best thing. Tonight she’d gone from being a guest with no family to being accepted into his. He couldn’t imagine the emotions that were going through her right now. He heard her crying begin to fade and pulled away just a little.
“Why don’t we get inside out of the cold?” he suggested. She nodded and let him lead her inside.
She took off her coat and walked straight upstairs. He followed her a few minutes later after grabbing some things that they would need in the morning and found her tucked into bed. She was no longer crying, and he changed before getting into bed beside her. She turned over to him and looked straight into his eyes.
“Thank you for bringing me here with you,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome,” he returned before placing a kiss on her forehead.
She buried her head into his shoulder and closed her eyes. He watched her sleep for a while as he thought about what had just happened. He felt like she’d just cracked open a door for him, no longer keeping him completely shut out. He couldn't have been happier.
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