Chapter 25

Patrick and I sat in the family room at the rink before the game that night. I’d been coming in with him and we’d sit down in the room and have dinner while we talked with the rest of the team’s families. I knew Patrick was getting antsy about getting back out on the ice and playing, but I was going to miss doing this when he did.

Playoffs were just around the corner and each game was starting to feel more and more intense. I knew next to nothing about what playoffs would be like, but just listening to everyone around me talk about it was getting me both excited and nervous for them. I’d even become kind of a joke with the girls. They kept telling me if the guys lost out and didn’t win the cup it was a good thing there was a psychologist who could help them get over the disappointment.

Nathan had continued his improvement both inside and outside of school. He loved coming to the games with me and hanging out with Patrick and the team. It kept him from skipping school and getting into trouble outside of it. His grades had even been on an upswing after I’d hooked him up with a tutor.

Gia was also starting to get better. She was starting to come in to my office more often on her own whenever something was bothering her. Even if she just came in to vent I knew it was a good thing because I hadn’t seen a single bandage on her wrist since that one day. We’d also had a meeting with her parents so that they could see what they were doing to her. Once they’d realized the extent of Gia’s hurt and anger they’d stopped all the fighting.

She’d told me they were separated, which made her sad, but also gave her a sense of relief. They’d believed they were doing the right thing by trying to stay together for her, but once they realized it was only harming her, they’d done what was necessary. She was coping just fine.

Patrick and I really couldn’t have been any better. We saw each other almost every day for at least lunch or dinner. He wasn’t travelling with the team since he was injured and it had been nice to have him around all the time. We’d even gone on some double dates with Paige and Harding. Paige loved Patrick and never failed to miss an opportunity to tell me how lucky I’d been to find someone willing to put up with all my shit.

“Where did all these kids come from?” Patrick asked as we watched easily a dozen of them running all around the family room and the area immediately outside of it.

“It seems everyone brought friends tonight,” I agreed. There were definitely more children here at the game tonight than there usually were.

I watched them run around, play mini sticks, and sneak food when their parents weren’t looking. I could see the amused smile on Patrick’s face as he watched them run around and felt a pang of hurt and guilt. I just couldn’t muster up that kind of amusement as I watched them. At one point it seemed like they were crawling all over Patrick and he seemed to be loving every second of it.

As I watched him do his best to play with the kids I knew that being a father would suit him. He seemed to be made for it. He was great with them and the look in his eyes was unmistakable. He loved kids. I should have known that before now with the way he’d talked about becoming an uncle before. Faith was going to pop any day now and he couldn’t wait to meet his nephew.

When it was time for the game to start Patrick and I separated and I went to my seat with the rest of the girls. We met back up downstairs at each intermission, and each time Patrick seemed to be preoccupied with playing. To be honest, as I watched him I just wanted the night to end so I could go home and get away from there.

The game ended and we met back up in the family room. I figured we’d be leaving like we usually did as soon as he came out of the locker room, but that wasn’t the case tonight. Tonight the second all the kids saw Patrick walk in, they wanted to play once again. He said he would just for a few more minutes and I was stuck standing there pretending to love the scene as much as everyone else.

“He’s so great with kids!” Emily, Byfuglien’s girlfriend exclaimed. I forced a smile onto my face and nodded.

“You guys are going to be lucky if you have kids someday,” Dayna, Seabrook’s girlfriend threw in. I started to get more and more upset by the second and just wished for Patrick to get up and say it was time to go.

“You two can babysit my kids anytime you’d like!” Corrine Huet joked. Patrick looked over at me and grinned.

“We’d love to,” he announced. I felt sick and the last remaining bit of smile I’d been managing to keep on my face disappeared.

“Excuse me,” I muttered as I turned to talk out of a room that suddenly felt very small and claustrophobic.

I put my hands over my face and tried to concentrate on my breathing to calm myself down and keep the panic attack from hitting me. Usually that helped, but this time it wasn’t helping at all. I could feel my chest getting tighter even as I struggled to force oxygen into my lungs.

“Are you okay?” I heard Patrick ask. I felt his hand touch my shoulder and I jerked away.

I didn’t answer him and instead ran down the hall and into the bathroom. I locked the main door behind me when I saw I was alone in there and then slid to the ground. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees. Just breathe, Gabrielle, in and out. Just breathe.

It took a little time, but I managed to get my breathing under control. When I felt better I got up and splashed some cold water on my face. When I looked up at my reflection in the mirror I could see the strain on my face. And then the anger started. How dare he? How dare Patrick volunteer me for something without asking me?

“Gabby? Are you okay?” I heard him call through the door after a knock.

I turned to glare at the door and the only thing I could think was ‘who do you think you are?!’ I made my way over to the door, unlocked it, and yanked it open. He jumped back in surprise at the violence of my exit. Then he looked confused when he saw the look on my face.

“Don’t you ever volunteer me to babysit anyone’s kids without talking to me first!” I yelled at him. His eyes widened in shock and I could see everyone standing in the hallway halt their conversations to turn and face us. I didn’t care.

“I’m…..I’m sorry…..I didn’t realize it was…..”

“I can’t even look at you right now,” I told him and turned to walk away. My stomach was churning and I felt sick. Then I felt his hand latch onto my arm.

“Hey, hold on. What’s wrong? What did I do?” he asked as I spun around to face him.

“I don’t do kids,” I told him through clenched teeth. My head began to spin with more thoughts than I could vocalize right now. I just wanted to get home, get in front of my easel and paint it out.

“Gabrielle, you’re a school psychologist,” he reminded me.

“They’re not kids, they’re young adults. It’s very different,” I told him as I ripped my arm out of his grasp. I needed to get out of there. I needed to get home and now.

“So what, you don’t like young kids?” he asked.

“Just stop, okay? Stop! I can’t do this. I can’t be here. I can’t be around you. I have to go.”

I could feel my chest tightening up again and I felt like I was going to be sick. Without waiting to hear any sort of response from him I turned and ran down the hallway and out the door into the parking lot. I hoped that the fresh air would help to calm me down, but I was only getting worse.

Too many things were rushing in and out of my head. Too many old conversations. Too many new situations. Harsh words and stupid decisions. Pain. Sadness. Confusion. Loss. Abandonment. I bent over a bush along the side of the rink and began to throw up even as I struggled to breathe.

When I stopped I stood up and let the tears fall down my face. Never once since I’d grown up had I needed a family more than I needed one now. I had no one. Well, I had Patrick if this little fit hadn’t royally screwed that up, but I couldn’t talk to him right now. Now he was the cause of all of these feelings and I couldn’t, just couldn’t, face them right now.

“Hey, I’ll bring you home,” I heard someone say from behind me. I turned to see Jon standing there, keys in his hand.

Now you can add embarrassment to every other emotion running through me. I’d just made a crazy spectacle of myself in front of half of Patrick’s team. Right when I get them to start to like me, I pull a stunt like that. What kind of person am I? Who wants to deal with someone like me?

“You don’t have to,” I told him through the tears.

“I don’t mind. Really. I just want to make sure you’re home safe.” He looked sincere and concerned, so I nodded.

We didn’t talk the entire trip to my apartment. I simply thanked him and then apologized when we got there before getting out and going upstairs. Loxley ran over to me, tail wagging when I walked through the door and I knelt down on the floor, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I’m so screwed up, Lox. So screwed up,” I whispered into his fur. He gave me a lick in the face and I managed a small smile at him. I took him outside before locking myself up in my studio.

I sat for a moment just dumping different colors onto my palette. I didn’t know what I was going to paint, I just let myself go. I just painted until all the emotions were gone. The sun was coming up and shining into the room in the background, casting an angelic glow around my now finished creation. It had taken me all night with no direction, but now I was looking at a picture that made my heart ache. I picked up the phone and called the only person I could.

“Hello, Gabrielle,” her voice greeted me. It brought on tears and it took me a moment to compose myself enough to speak.

“Olivia, I need you,” I choked out.

I’d never forgotten, but until this moment I’d managed to forgive. Now forgiveness was gone.