Chapter 22

Here it is, the big reveal. Thanks for sticking with me up until now. Sorry that there's so much dialogue from Gabrielle, but it was really the only way to get everything in, ya know?










Patrick was like a robot the next day at practice. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all that night. He just couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why Gabrielle had lied to him. Why would she say she didn’t have any family if she did? Was there something wrong with them or something wrong with her?

They were the only options he could think of. Either they’d done something unthinkable to her or she’d done something unthinkable to them. Neither of those seemed to make much sense to him though. Gabrielle was one of the most amazing people he’d ever met. How could a family be so awful to her or how could she be awful to them?

“What’s going on, man?” Burish asked him after practice.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” he responded. He wished that he could have actually been slightly convincing, because there was no way Burish was buying that.

“You look like shit. Something’s wrong,” Burs pushed.

“I didn’t sleep last night.” Not wanting to have this conversation in the middle of the locker room Patrick walked out of it and outside.

“Aw, did you and Gabrielle get into your first little argument?” Burish teased. Patrick wasn’t in the mood.

“There was nothing little about it. She lied to me. She’s been lying to me the whole fucking time,” he said through gritted teeth. Burish’s smirk faded when he realized that it wasn’t some stupid spat.

“What about?”

“Her family. The one I told you she didn’t have. Turns out she does. Her niece showed up last night.”

“What did she say?”

“Nothing. I didn’t give her the chance.” He sighed at the look Burish gave him. “Her niece came in tears. It wasn’t the time to start questioning her.”

“Sometimes it sickens me how nice and understanding you are,” Burish cracked, causing a tiny smile to form on Patrick's lips. “When are you going to talk to her?” That was the million dollar question. He felt too riled up about it still to do it now. Not to mention Gabrielle was at work. He just needed some time to cool off.

“I don’t know. I just need to figure things out.”

Patrick made his way to his car and headed home. He let Dudley out the back door and tried unsuccessfully to just forget about Gabrielle for now. He was exhausted and needed sleep. The problem was that he knew sleep wasn’t going to come while his brain was working overtime to make sense of the lie she’d told about not having any family.

Dudley came back inside and Patrick went straight into his bedroom and lay down. Maybe if he stayed there long enough he’d eventually fall asleep. As he stared up at the ceiling he realized that he was so worked up because he’d fallen for Gabrielle. Hard. The doorbell rang just as that hit him and he considered staying in bed. It rang again and with a groan he got up to answer the door.

He checked who was there before opening it. He wasn’t sure he should open the door to her, but he did anyway. Gabrielle stood on the other side of his door in the middle of a school day looking worse than he did. Her eyes shifted from the ground to his face and tears immediately welled up in her eyes. He fought the urge to just pull her into him and wrap his arms around her.

“Hi,” he said quietly. She bit her lip before responding.

“I’m not sure I deserve it, but I was hoping we could talk. I realize that you’re more than angry at me right now and that once you hear why it’s only going to get worse. I just felt like you deserved the truth. I was hoping you’d at least let me explain things so you’d understand.” Curiosity got the best of him and he stepped back, allowing Gabrielle to walk into his house.










It was a painstaking wait for the hours to go by until Patrick would be home from practice. I had to explain to him, let him know why I’d kept my family a secret. He deserved the truth. He always had, but I’d selfishly kept it under wraps foolishly thinking that maybe I’d never have to tell him.

Now I was here, in his house, sitting on his couch. He didn’t look pleased or even ready to have me there with him, but I had to get this out now. I just wanted to rip the bandage off and let the pain come. The quicker the pain came the quicker I could start trying to get over the loss of him in my life.

He surprised me by sitting down next to me on the couch instead of on the chair across from me. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved that he didn’t hate me enough so far to want to be as far from me as possible or be worried because having him that close made it that much harder to tell him. We sat there in silence for a while as I struggled to think of how to start.

“Have you ever died?” I asked him. He looked at me strangely. I knew that probably didn’t make much sense, but I waited for an answer anyway.

“No,” he finally said, his brow furrowed.

“I have. Twice. Only I just recently found out about the second time. The first time I was 17 and I was dead for two minutes before they revived me. The second time was just two weeks later. My parents kicked me out of the house and I found out last night they put an obituary in the paper saying I’d been in a car accident and had died from the injuries.”

Patrick looked utterly confused and stunned at the same time. I didn’t blame him. I hadn’t exactly started this off slowly or with an explanation. Instead I’d only added more mystery to my past. I took a deep breath before starting at the beginning.

“After my parents had Rachel and Bailey they decided that two children was enough. Unfortunately 10 years later I was born. I was unexpected, a mistake, and unwanted. They never missed an opportunity to tell me that. Even as a child in elementary school I knew they’d never wanted me and they weren’t happy I was around.”

A sob escaped my throat after saying that and I took a minute to compose myself before continuing. I noticed a change in Patrick’s demeanor. He looked a little less angry, but I knew that was going to change very soon. Once he heard the rest he’d never look at me with any other emotion in his eyes.

“I spent years trying to gain their love. I wanted them to be as proud of me as they were of Rachel and Bailey. I did everything my sisters did. They did well in school so I studied hard to be just as smart. They played soccer and so did I. They were in chorus and played the violin, so I did too. Those were the things that made my parents proud of them and I thought that if I did the same things too they’d be proud of me like they were of them. I did everything my sisters did, and I did them all better. It didn’t matter. My sisters only saw me as a tag-along burden because of the age difference and my parents saw me as an inconvenience.”

As I talked I began to have flashbacks. I remembered my teachers wanting to put me into accelerated classes in elementary school because the regular classroom pace was too slow for me. I remembered my parents declining even though they’d done it for my sisters. I remembered scoring the game winning goal in the championship of a soccer game without my parents or sisters in attendance. I remembered looking out at the crowd after a solo only given to the best violinist in orchestra during a concert and seeing the two empty seats that had been designated for my parents.

“I decided as I got older that being like my sisters wasn’t going to get me attention so I turned to getting into trouble. I thought that if I got into trouble my parents would be forced to pay attention to me and then they could see that I really just needed them to care. I argued, I back talked, I did everything to upset my sisters and parents. By 11 I’d smoked my first cigarette. At 12 I had my first drink. By 13 I’d gotten high for the first time. When I was 14 I started skipping school. 15 was when I lost my virginity. At 16 I’d tried cocaine, speed, and ecstasy. At 17…..well, 17 was a real banner year for me.”

Tears were streaming down my face at this point. I paused to collect myself again before continuing and looked at the expression on Patrick’s face. I couldn’t read it. I had no idea if he was pitying me or thinking I was the most despicable person on the planet.

“My parents never cared. They were only embarrassed. You see, my dad wanted to be a Senator of Missouri with hopes of maybe someday being president. I’m from St. Louis, by the way. My antics were meant to make them care, but they only turned on me more. They told me I cost my father the election. Voters didn’t want a man running their state that couldn’t even control his child. My sisters hated me. That's when it turned from needing attention to being vindictive. Everything I did was aimed at hurting my family, with nothing but revenge fueling it. By 16 it had gone too far and I was too lost to stop.”

Patrick reached out then and covered my hand with his. I let my head fall in embarrassment. I didn’t want to look at him when I told him the next part. I pulled up my shirt sleeves to show off the scars on my forearms.

“I lied to you about these. They weren’t from an accident. I was depressed and I felt numb all the time. I used to cut myself. At least then, at that moment when I watched blood drip down my arm from the newest slice I’d made I felt something. It was the only time I ever felt anything.”

“Jesus, Gabrielle,” Patrick whispered, seemingly overwhelmed by my confession.

“I OD’d when I was 17. That’s when I died. After that my parents decided that they’d had enough. They never tried to help me, only saw me as a burden. They gave me my inheritance early and told me to leave. My high school counselor, Olivia, took me in. She was the only person in my life that gave a damn. She sent me to rehab. There’s a day in rehab when family comes in for a therapy session. None of my family showed up.

Olivia home schooled me and I went to community college after getting out of rehab. After graduating from there I moved here to Chicago and went to school to get my degree in psychology. Then I got my PhD. I wanted to help kids the way Olivia helped me. Olivia said she told my family about all of my accomplishments, but they never responded. They’d cut me out of their lives for good when I wanted nothing more than for them to see that I was different. Then I found out from Kaylen last night that they killed me.

So that’s my past, my story. I had a family that thought I was a burden and instead of proving them wrong I showed them they were right. I hurt and embarrassed them along with myself. I’m a terrible person that doesn’t deserve someone like you. I’m sorry for lying to you and stringing you along. You didn’t deserve it. I just wanted you to know why I lied. I’m so sorry again for what I did.”

I took a deep breath and stood up from my spot on the couch. Now that Patrick knew the truth I knew that our relationship was over. Who in their right mind wants to date an ex-drug addict with abandonment issues? No one sane, that’s for sure. I turned my back on him and began the walk to the door.

“Where are you going?” I heard him ask.

“I’m leaving,” I responded, glancing over my shoulder.

“Why?” It was a simple question, but I couldn’t comprehend it. It just didn’t make any sense to me.

“I…..I don’t…..I have to go,” I stuttered. I turned away again and reached for the door handle. Somehow in that short time Patrick had gotten up and across the room to reach me. I felt his hand on my arm and turned back.

“You’re not that person anymore, Gabrielle,” he whispered.

“Yes, I am. I’m always that person. Every day I’m that person and every day for the rest of my life I’ll be that person.” He looked into my eyes and forced me to look into his by placing his hand under my chin.

“No, you’re not. That Gabrielle was combative, vengeful, and didn’t care about anyone including herself. The Gabrielle I know is sweet, intelligent, and bends over backwards to help anyone and everyone she possibly can. The two can’t be more different. You’re not her anymore, Gabby, why can’t you see that?”

I took in his words in shock and surprise. Why wasn’t he angry with me? Why wasn’t he asking me to leave? There was no anger in his eyes, no disgust. I only saw sadness in them and new tears filled mine.

“You don’t deserve to take on my baggage, my trauma. I came out of it scarred literally and figuratively. I’m not okay. I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay,” I told him.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what your life must have been like in the past, but that’s exactly what it is. It’s a past. I’m sorry, so sorry about everything you went through, but I refuse to believe that you’ll never be okay. Of course you’re going to be scarred. No one would come out of that unscathed. The scars don’t make you, Gabrielle, how you deal with them does. You’re stronger than you think you are. You have to be if you beat all of that to become who you are now.”

“How are you like this? Why don’t you see me like everyone else that knows all that does?”

“I don’t give up on people I care about. I told you once I wanted to save you. I don’t go back on my word. I’m here, Gabby, and I’m not going anywhere.”

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. I fell into his arms and let the tears come. No one had ever said things like that to me before. No one had ever cared enough to even give me a chance, let alone a second one. He pulled back a little and looked down at me. My heart nearly exploded when his lips touched mine. If he could forgive me, maybe now I’d be able to forgive myself.

Chapter 21

I felt my stomach churning as I told Rachel who was on the phone. I heard her sharp intake of breath and she was quiet. I waited for what felt like forever for her to say something. I half expected something scathing and half expected her to hang up on me. I wasn’t let down.

“What the hell do you want?” came her angry reply. I bit my tongue at the sarcastic response I wanted to shoot back at her. That was the old Gabrielle.

“I’m sorry to call and bother you, but Kaylen’s here,” I told her. There was another silent pause.

“I’m trying to figure out why you’d be calling to lie to me after all these years, and yet I’m coming up with nothing but a blank. Kaylen’s at her friend’s house.” I sighed and glanced over at the teenager sitting in the other room.

“No, Rachel, she’s sitting right here in my living room,” I corrected her.

“That’s impossible. She has no idea where you are. I have no idea where you are.”

“Well, she found out somehow. It’s Chicago, by the way. Kaylen left school early and caught a bus here.” I could hear Rachel try to muffle the phone and instruct someone to call Kaylen’s friend.

“This just doesn’t make any sense. Why would Kaylen search you out and then at 14 find a bus to Chicago to go see you?” There was a short pause and then Rachel started talking again. “Have you been in contact with her? Have you been talking to my daughter behind my back?”

“No, I haven’t. I…..” Rachel wasn’t done.

“Who do you think you are trying to barge back into our lives after everything you put us through? I thought we made it clear that we wanted nothing to do with you.”

“I didn’t…..”

“And now you go behind my back and start talking to my daughter, an impressionable teenager? How dare you!”

“Rachel!” I yelled into the phone, successfully shutting her up for a moment. “She heard you and Lance fighting. She overheard you saying you just wish you hadn’t had her.”

“I never said…..oh, God. That’s not what I said, not what I meant. Did she run away?” she asked, realization striking her.

“She did, but she came here. She’s safe, Rachel.” I heard her laugh when I said that and cringed.

“I doubt anyone’s safe around you. Give me your address. I’ll be there in five hours.” It was late and it was going to be a long drive from St. Louis, but I didn’t argue with her. I knew better. “If you said anything to her…..” Rachel warned before hanging up the phone.

I sighed and fought back the tears that were trying to force themselves out from under my eyelids. I deserved it, everything she said. I just wanted her and the rest of my family to know. I wanted them to know I was different now even if they couldn't forgive me. Even so, there was also a small part of me that wanted to blame them and shove what I’d become in their faces. I composed myself before walking back into the living room and sitting down next to Kaylen.

“Your mom is on her way. I think she’s driving so she’ll be here in about five hours. You can go into the other room and get some sleep if you want. I’ll make up the bed,” I offered. Kaylen nodded but didn’t move from her position on the couch. She was staring at an invisible spot on the floor.

“Why did everyone tell us you were dead?” she asked after a moment. My eyes widened in surprise and I felt like my heart stopped. They’d what?

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” She glanced up at me and took in the shocked expression on my face.

“You didn’t know,” she whispered. I could feel the tears building again. I wasn’t sure if they were because of anger, pain, sadness, or a combo.

“What did they tell you?” I asked quietly. She thought for a moment before responding.

“One day you were just gone. They took down all the pictures of you and locked up your bedroom. Mom and Dad told me that you’d been in a car accident. They told everyone that. I saw the obituary in the newspaper when I was older.”

This new revelation stunned and hurt me. My family hadn’t just cut me out of their lives, they’d killed me. My family was capable of almost anything, but even that seemed low. Wasn’t I still their daughter, their sister? Didn’t that count for anything? They never even gave me a chance.

“How did you find out I wasn’t?” I asked Kaylen after a while. She shrugged.

“The story seemed a little off to me. I’ve heard the whispered stories about you. That you got into a lot of trouble. Then you were in a car accident? I’m good with computers and looked up the obituary. I didn’t think there would be one, but there was. Only there was no story about a car accident. You’d think the death of one of the daughters of Ogden and Ramona Tunney would be big news. I started searching for you and eventually found you,” she explained.

I nodded and wanted to ask her more. I wanted to know what she’d heard because I had to know what else my family had lied about when it came to me. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Instead I no longer tried to stop the tears, choosing to let them come. Kaylen slid over on the couch and put her arms around my shoulders.

“It’s why I came to you. I knew you’d understand what I was feeling because they did it to you,” she whispered.

I felt sick at her words. I couldn’t be sure that she was right, but I knew my family. She was probably right, and she didn’t deserve that. The Tunney’s wanted perfect little cookie cutter children. Anyone that dared to be different was shunned. I wanted to keep Kaylen here with me. I wanted to slam the door in Rachel’s face when she knocked on my door, but I knew I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do.

“Kaylen, listen to me. I’m not a good role model, for anyone. I did a lot of things wrong and screwed up more times than I can count. That’s not all their fault. I chose to do it. They were bad choices, but ultimately they were mine. Don’t look up to me. Don’t do what I did. Whatever they’ve said, whatever you’ve heard about me, at least part of it is true.”

“But not anymore. You have a great apartment with a dog and a boyfriend. I know that you’re a counselor and that you help kids. Your life isn’t so bad,” she argued. I looked at her sadly and shook my head.

“I’m lonely. Hardly a day in the last 10 years has gone by that I didn’t hate what I’d done and become. I lost them because of those choices. Until I met Patrick my life was lonely. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.” Kaylen took in my words and nodded. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote my phone number on it, without my name. “This is my number. You can call me anytime you need to.” She took it and folded it into a small square before tucking it into her pocket.

Kaylen fell asleep in the studio on the futon a little while later and I stayed awake waiting for the knock on the door that I was dreading. As I waited I called into work for the next day. There was no way I was going to be able to go into school tomorrow. I was too emotionally wrecked and exhausted to be of any use to a student.

My phone rang a while later indicating that someone was downstairs wanting to be buzzed up. It was Rachel and I did just that. Then I went in and woke up Kaylen. She was just coming out of the studio when the knock sounded on the door. Kaylen grabbed her bag as I went over to the door and pulled it open. Rachel stood there, arms crossed, with a look that could kill aimed right at me.

“Where is she?” she demanded. I took a step back and allowed her to come in.

“I’m right here, Mom,” Kaylen said. Rachel rushed over and hugged her.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’m so sorry. You know we didn’t mean that, right? We love you.”

Anyone who walked in and saw this scene would have found it sweet and heartbreaking to see a mother who loved her daughter so upset over saying something that caused her to run away. I, however, saw a mother who was only sorry that she’d have to explain this situation to her family. They separated and headed for the door. Kaylen hugged me on the way by.

“Thank you, Aunt Gabrielle,” she whispered. I smiled at her and watched her walk out the door. Rachel paused on her way out to look back at me.

“I have to admit I was surprised that you lived someplace as nice as this.” I clenched my jaw at the comment and refused to take the bait. “I don’t expect to be hearing from you again.” With that, she turned her back on me and closed the door behind her.

I stood there staring at the door long after their footsteps had faded away. I’d expected to be sad and depressed upon seeing the sister I’d let down so many years ago. Instead I only felt anger. How dare they? All of them.

The information Kaylen had given me opened the floodgates. Suddenly I wasn’t beating myself up for what I’d done back then. Now I was blaming them. I would never have been like that if they hadn’t been the way they were. They’d killed me when I left 10 years ago? No. They were dead to me now.