Chapter 35

It had been almost a week since Gabrielle had walked out his door. Although he knew that he was putting on a pretty decent façade to everyone, Patrick was a mess. His emotions were just all over the place. One moment he was depressed about her being gone, the next he was angry at her. It was tough to be so up and down all the time, and pretend like he was fine.

He’d managed to keep it all out of hockey, but he hadn’t been able to keep it from one person. Burs knew he wasn’t okay. It didn’t mean they talked about it a lot, but one night he’d just snapped. Patrick hadn’t meant for it to happen, but it just all came pouring out after a few beers.

“I can’t even begin to tell you the shit that she’s had to go through in her past, but it’s really fucked her up,” he started.

“Shouldn’t you be relieved then?” Burs had asked.

“No. No, I’m not relieved. I’m angry. I’m fucking livid.”

“About what?”

“I’ve been patient. I’ve sucked a lot of pride up to help her deal with things. I did everything the entire relationship her way, and what does she do? Freak out the one fucking time I do something she doesn’t expect and walk out. It’s fucking bullshit!”

“Tell me how you really feel, Sharpie.” Patrick had sighed then and taken another swig of his beer.

“I don’t know what else I could have done for her. I’ve gone over and over it in my head and I wouldn’t do anything different. At some point she should be able to do something for me, right?” He couldn’t help how he felt, and he just needed some confirmation that he wasn’t being a complete jackass as far as Gabrielle was concerned.

“Right. You know how I feel about relationships. I’m too selfish to be in one, and you can’t be selfish. You also can’t be a pushover. There’s a reason people always talk about compromise when they talk about relationships.” It was all obvious, everything Burish was saying, but it helped just a little to hear someone besides him say it.

“It just pisses me off that after all I compromised and went through with her she couldn’t just tell me the truth. She made a mistake walking out and I wish like hell I could tell her that.”

“You miss her.”

“Fuck.” Patrick didn’t want to miss her, not after the way she tried to just disappear on him. He wished he could just write her off and move on, but he couldn’t. That pissed him off right now too.

“So go get her. Tell her to buck the fuck up and deal with whatever issue she’s facing.”

“I can’t do that. Not right now anyway. I know Gabby. She just needs some time, a breather. Then I can go tell her all of that.”

It killed him to be so understanding. He hated that he was like that. Once in a while he wished he could just be an asshole and walk right into Paige’s house and tell Gabrielle exactly what he thought of her walking out the way she did. However he knew if he did that, he’d only drive her further away, and that wasn’t what he wanted. Despite how angry he was, he wanted her back with him.

Maybe that made him a fool, but he didn’t care. He loved her and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. It was hard to blame her for being the way she was when she’d lived the life she had. He just wished she’d had better timing with her freak out, or that he’d had better timing on slipping up and telling her he loved her, even if she wasn’t meant to hear it.

Right now he was just scared for her. As far as he knew Vince was still out there. While he couldn’t prove it, Patrick knew Vince wasn’t done. He didn’t think Vince would be done until he’d found Gabrielle or the police found him first. It was killing him to not be able to watch out for Gabrielle all the time. He could just add fear to the emotions he was feeling when he thought about her.

So he went about his business like normal. He woke up, went to the rink, practiced or played a game, went home and took care of Dudley. Then he went to bed and did it all over again. Every day, despite knowing better, he hoped that his phone would ring and Gabrielle would be at the other end, or she’d just show up at his door.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d wait for her. He didn’t know if she’d ever come back, or if he’d ever go to her. He wanted to go to her at some point, and at least talk to her. He had to see if there was any hope for them. But in order for there to be hope, Gabrielle was going to have to let go of her past and trust him. That was the only way they could ever work again.










I sat in Paige’s living room with a cup of tea and just stared out the window. I’d been doing that a lot lately. Most of the last few days had consisted of me zoning out while I stared at nothing. It was like my brain had just been overworked and shut itself down. It had been hard to function at all, and most days I didn’t want to.

I was overwhelmed with life in general. I was stressed out over Vince still being out there somewhere. Not having Patrick in my life anymore, at least for now, had hurt me so much more than I’d expected. On top of those things, work had been crazy. I felt like kids were just in and out of my office with a myriad of problems. I was worn out.

Most days I ended up at Paige’s after work. It was partly because she just sat with me. She never tried to force me to talk, but if I wanted to she listened and wouldn’t make me feel like I was crazy. It was also partly because I was afraid to be home. Today was no different. Loxley had jumped up onto the sofa with me and was sleeping with his head on my lap.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Paige asked from the kitchen. I shook my head, but didn’t respond. I probably should eat something since I hadn’t done much of that lately, but my appetite had disappeared.

“I miss him.” I hadn’t realized I’d said it out loud until Paige sat down next to me and gave me a sad look.

“What happened between the two of you?” she asked.

I still hadn’t given Paige a straight answer, because if I told her the truth, I’d have to explain. I hadn’t wanted to do that. I’d already had to get into things I’d never wanted to talk about or relive once in the last year. I hadn’t wanted to do it ever again. Now though, that didn’t seem to be so important anymore.

“He told me he loved me.”

“What?!” she exclaimed. I could tell that she was confused on how he could have told me that he loved me and then we’d somehow broken up. “What did you say?”

“I walked out,” I told her truthfully. She looked at me like I was insane, and now I was beginning to feel the same way.

“That’s why you two broke up? Because he told you he loved you?!” I nodded and felt tears start to sting my eyes. “I don’t understand.”

I knew it was time. Keeping secrets didn’t seem very important to me anymore. And so I opened up to Paige. I told her everything about my past. I finally answered her questions on why Vince was after me. I cried over Quinn. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I finished. I knew Paige well enough to know she wasn’t going to order me out of her place, but I wasn’t sure how she would react.

“Your family sucks.” I don’t know what it was about her statement that did it, but I suddenly burst out into laughter. It could have been the words, the way she said it. Maybe I was just finally cracking, but I couldn’t stop laughing. “Are you about done?” she asked as I wiped tears from my eyes and calmed down.

“I’m sorry?”

“Gabby, I love you. You’re one of my best friends, but I need to be frank with you about something. Is that okay?”

“Yes, please.”

“Maybe someday you’ll work things out with your family. Maybe you never will. None of that matters right now. What matters is that there is a man out there that knows all of that and loves you despite it all. He’s given you the one thing you craved your whole life. I get that it was scary but it’s time to be realistic. What are you going to do about it?” Paige was right. It was time to face everything.

“I just have to get through work tomorrow. He has a game Saturday. I’ll do it Sunday. I’ll tell him Sunday.” Paige looked at me and smiled while placing a hand on mine. Suddenly the world wasn’t so scary anymore.

Chapter 34

I felt the bile rising up in my throat, but did everything in my power to keep it down. That was a struggle considering I was also trying to do my best not to even so much as twitch a muscle. I couldn’t let Patrick know I was awake. I couldn’t let him know I’d heard what he’d just said. I couldn’t let him know that I wanted to bolt out of bed, out of the house, and far away from him.

This was too much. I couldn’t handle everything that came with this right now. How could he have told me he loved me? I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to be ready. Why couldn’t we just leave things the way they were? Things had been good, hadn’t they? Our relationship was just where I wanted it, just where I could handle it. My safety net was gone now. Everything around me was hard, painful, and confusing. Goddammit, Patrick, why?

It was everything I could do to wait until I knew Patrick was asleep before I slipped out of bed. I made my way into the bathroom, shut the door, and turned on the faucet to splash cold water on my face. I had to get rid of this nauseous feeling before I could get back into bed.

Just relax, Gabrielle. He didn’t think you were awake. Deep down you knew he felt that way before now. You knew it was bound to happen eventually. Just go back to bed, get some sleep, and think on things in the morning when you’ve had time to process. Don’t make any rash decisions right now.

I convinced myself to get back into bed. I did my best not to disturb Patrick because I didn’t think I could handle cuddling with him as I tried to fall asleep tonight. Thankfully he didn’t move, and I kept distance between us. When his alarm went off in the morning I still hadn’t fallen asleep. Even so, I pretended to still be asleep as he got up and got out of bed.

I could hear him moving around in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. Then I heard him turn on the TV as he ate. He had a routine in the morning before practice and I could practically visualize exactly what he was doing every moment. After he’d gotten dressed he walked over to the bed and placed a kiss on my forehead.

“See you later,” he whispered. I mumbled out a goodbye, like I’d been asleep until that moment. I gave it a few minutes after I heard his car start and pull out of the driveway before I got out of bed.

I moved into the living room and sat down on the couch to think some more. That’s all I’d been doing all night, but my stomach and heart hurt at everything I’d thought about. Realization hit me that I might have been able to handle this better if this stuff with Vince wasn’t going on. I also might feel better about it if I hadn’t just overheard Patrick tell me he loved me, but had him really tell me.

I looked over at Lox and Dudley who were both lying on the floor and staring up at me. Their eyes looked sad, like they could feel what I did. I knew what had to be done and I didn’t have much time to do it. I found my cell and dialed one of the few numbers I had in my contacts.

“Do you realize how early it is?” Paige answered. I ignored her comment, with one thing in mind.

“Can you take Loxley for a little while?” I asked.

“What? Why do I have to take Loxley?” I could feel tears welling in my eyes, but I had to fight them back right now. Now was not the time.

“I’m moving into a hotel for a bit and can’t take him.” The lie tasted like vomit in my throat. Paige was quiet for a moment.

“What happened?” she asked, her voice softer now.

“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” I didn’t want to talk about it ever. Any sane person would call me a damn fool for doing what I was about to.

“Of course I’ll take him.” I thanked her, told her I’d be over in a couple of hours and hung up.

I hurriedly packed up my things and put them into the car. I gave Dudley one last kiss before I walked out of the house and drove over to Paige’s. She tried one last time to convince me to tell her why I was moving out of Patrick’s house, but I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her. Then I drove home.

I parked in the parking lot and used my key to get into the building. I got on the elevator and then got off on my floor. It wasn’t until I was down the hall and had the key in the lock that the fear hit me. Maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe I was a fool. I felt panic beginning to settle in and envisioned Patrick taking my hand, holding it to his chest, and telling me to breathe. I calmed down, and turned the key, the door opening a moment later.

I walked cautiously into my apartment like I was afraid Vince was going to come around a corner any second. Of course he didn’t and I dropped my stuff in the entryway and walked all the way inside. Patrick and I had gone back to pick up any stuff I would need when I moved in with him and had cleaned up my apartment in the process.

There were no more traces of the destruction Vince had done to my place except for the bare spots on the walls where artwork had hung and empty places on shelves where pictures that had been destroyed were set. I moved towards the bedroom and glanced in. The bed was unmade and a red stain was still on the mattress, a hole visible. I shuddered and shut the door, deciding I’d be sleeping on the futon.

I went back to get my stuff and began to put it all away. My apartment didn’t feel like home now. It felt empty, like I was in a stranger’s place for the first time alone. I shook off the thoughts as I finished putting everything away. Then I hoped I’d made good enough time to beat Patrick home.

I got back into my car and drove back to his house. I had to drop his key off and I wanted to leave a note. I wanted him to know that I was okay, but I couldn’t be there anymore. I pulled into the driveway and used the key to walk in the front door. I realized a little too late that Patrick had beaten me.

He was sitting on the couch in the living room in silence, staring out the window. I didn’t know what to do or what to say and stood frozen in silence as well. He turned towards me, a look of hurt and confusion on his face. It hurt to see him looking like that. He stared at me with questioning eyes for a while before he spoke.

“Why?” was all he asked. I averted my gaze, looking everywhere but at him. I hadn’t planned on talking to him, which I realized made me a terrible person.

“I…..I just…..I came back to give you this,” I stuttered out, avoiding answering the question and holding out the key to his house. He looked at it angrily.

“Don’t,” he growled angrily. “What did I do?” I looked into his eyes for the first time since I’d walked in and I saw his face momentarily fall. He realized then why I was going.

“I’ll be staying with Paige…..” I began my second lie of the day, but let my words trail off.

“Gabrielle, I’m sorry,” he apologized. Then his expression hardened again and he got up from his seat on the couch, his eyes boring into mine. “No, actually I’m not. I love you, Gabby, and I’m not sorry for that. And I know you love me too.” I shook my head at his words, tore my eyes away from his.

“Patrick, please…..”

“I’m done playing by your rules. I’m in love with you, Gabrielle. I want you to go back to Paige’s, get your stuff and Loxley and come back. I want you to move in here, permanently. I want you to tell me you love me too,” he demanded.

“No…..no, I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?” he asked through clenched teeth.

I felt the tears starting to spill down my face. Too much was spinning through my head. Patrick was telling me he loved me. He wanted me to move in with him on a permanent basis. He wanted to hear me tell him I loved him. It was too much. There was just too much going on. I needed time to figure things out.

“Stop it. Please, stop it,” I begged.

My legs felt like jelly, like they were going to give out any moment. Maybe I could have handled one of the three. Maybe I could have dealt with his ‘I love you’ if it didn’t come strings attached. I couldn’t hear that, say it back, and move in all at once. It was step by step with me, and he was asking me to skip from 1 to 10. I couldn’t do it and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand there thinking that. I had to make myself move. I had to think of something to say to him so he’d let me go. Then I had to turn and walk out the door.

“What’s it going to be?” he asked after a while.

I wanted so badly to just fall into Patrick’s arms and be everything he wanted me to be. I wished more than anything I could be normal and less scarred by my past. If I was healed then I’d be able to do what he wanted, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t ever be healed, and so I couldn’t ever be the person Patrick deserved.

I forced my legs to move and walked towards where Patrick was standing in front of the couch. I saw his face expose the hope he was feeling every step I took closer to him. I felt my heart breaking with each step as well. I stopped a few feet from him and looked at him one last time. Then I bent down and placed his key on the coffee table. Without waiting to see what he said, or even giving him another glance, I turned and walked out the door.

I got into my car telling myself what I’d done was the right thing. As I drove away I repeated that in my head over and over again even as the tears fell down my face. I pulled into the parking lot at my building convinced that what I needed was to be on my own so I could reevaluate my life. I walked into my apartment, collapsed onto the floor, and broke.