Chapter 34

I felt the bile rising up in my throat, but did everything in my power to keep it down. That was a struggle considering I was also trying to do my best not to even so much as twitch a muscle. I couldn’t let Patrick know I was awake. I couldn’t let him know I’d heard what he’d just said. I couldn’t let him know that I wanted to bolt out of bed, out of the house, and far away from him.

This was too much. I couldn’t handle everything that came with this right now. How could he have told me he loved me? I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to be ready. Why couldn’t we just leave things the way they were? Things had been good, hadn’t they? Our relationship was just where I wanted it, just where I could handle it. My safety net was gone now. Everything around me was hard, painful, and confusing. Goddammit, Patrick, why?

It was everything I could do to wait until I knew Patrick was asleep before I slipped out of bed. I made my way into the bathroom, shut the door, and turned on the faucet to splash cold water on my face. I had to get rid of this nauseous feeling before I could get back into bed.

Just relax, Gabrielle. He didn’t think you were awake. Deep down you knew he felt that way before now. You knew it was bound to happen eventually. Just go back to bed, get some sleep, and think on things in the morning when you’ve had time to process. Don’t make any rash decisions right now.

I convinced myself to get back into bed. I did my best not to disturb Patrick because I didn’t think I could handle cuddling with him as I tried to fall asleep tonight. Thankfully he didn’t move, and I kept distance between us. When his alarm went off in the morning I still hadn’t fallen asleep. Even so, I pretended to still be asleep as he got up and got out of bed.

I could hear him moving around in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. Then I heard him turn on the TV as he ate. He had a routine in the morning before practice and I could practically visualize exactly what he was doing every moment. After he’d gotten dressed he walked over to the bed and placed a kiss on my forehead.

“See you later,” he whispered. I mumbled out a goodbye, like I’d been asleep until that moment. I gave it a few minutes after I heard his car start and pull out of the driveway before I got out of bed.

I moved into the living room and sat down on the couch to think some more. That’s all I’d been doing all night, but my stomach and heart hurt at everything I’d thought about. Realization hit me that I might have been able to handle this better if this stuff with Vince wasn’t going on. I also might feel better about it if I hadn’t just overheard Patrick tell me he loved me, but had him really tell me.

I looked over at Lox and Dudley who were both lying on the floor and staring up at me. Their eyes looked sad, like they could feel what I did. I knew what had to be done and I didn’t have much time to do it. I found my cell and dialed one of the few numbers I had in my contacts.

“Do you realize how early it is?” Paige answered. I ignored her comment, with one thing in mind.

“Can you take Loxley for a little while?” I asked.

“What? Why do I have to take Loxley?” I could feel tears welling in my eyes, but I had to fight them back right now. Now was not the time.

“I’m moving into a hotel for a bit and can’t take him.” The lie tasted like vomit in my throat. Paige was quiet for a moment.

“What happened?” she asked, her voice softer now.

“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” I didn’t want to talk about it ever. Any sane person would call me a damn fool for doing what I was about to.

“Of course I’ll take him.” I thanked her, told her I’d be over in a couple of hours and hung up.

I hurriedly packed up my things and put them into the car. I gave Dudley one last kiss before I walked out of the house and drove over to Paige’s. She tried one last time to convince me to tell her why I was moving out of Patrick’s house, but I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her. Then I drove home.

I parked in the parking lot and used my key to get into the building. I got on the elevator and then got off on my floor. It wasn’t until I was down the hall and had the key in the lock that the fear hit me. Maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe I was a fool. I felt panic beginning to settle in and envisioned Patrick taking my hand, holding it to his chest, and telling me to breathe. I calmed down, and turned the key, the door opening a moment later.

I walked cautiously into my apartment like I was afraid Vince was going to come around a corner any second. Of course he didn’t and I dropped my stuff in the entryway and walked all the way inside. Patrick and I had gone back to pick up any stuff I would need when I moved in with him and had cleaned up my apartment in the process.

There were no more traces of the destruction Vince had done to my place except for the bare spots on the walls where artwork had hung and empty places on shelves where pictures that had been destroyed were set. I moved towards the bedroom and glanced in. The bed was unmade and a red stain was still on the mattress, a hole visible. I shuddered and shut the door, deciding I’d be sleeping on the futon.

I went back to get my stuff and began to put it all away. My apartment didn’t feel like home now. It felt empty, like I was in a stranger’s place for the first time alone. I shook off the thoughts as I finished putting everything away. Then I hoped I’d made good enough time to beat Patrick home.

I got back into my car and drove back to his house. I had to drop his key off and I wanted to leave a note. I wanted him to know that I was okay, but I couldn’t be there anymore. I pulled into the driveway and used the key to walk in the front door. I realized a little too late that Patrick had beaten me.

He was sitting on the couch in the living room in silence, staring out the window. I didn’t know what to do or what to say and stood frozen in silence as well. He turned towards me, a look of hurt and confusion on his face. It hurt to see him looking like that. He stared at me with questioning eyes for a while before he spoke.

“Why?” was all he asked. I averted my gaze, looking everywhere but at him. I hadn’t planned on talking to him, which I realized made me a terrible person.

“I…..I just…..I came back to give you this,” I stuttered out, avoiding answering the question and holding out the key to his house. He looked at it angrily.

“Don’t,” he growled angrily. “What did I do?” I looked into his eyes for the first time since I’d walked in and I saw his face momentarily fall. He realized then why I was going.

“I’ll be staying with Paige…..” I began my second lie of the day, but let my words trail off.

“Gabrielle, I’m sorry,” he apologized. Then his expression hardened again and he got up from his seat on the couch, his eyes boring into mine. “No, actually I’m not. I love you, Gabby, and I’m not sorry for that. And I know you love me too.” I shook my head at his words, tore my eyes away from his.

“Patrick, please…..”

“I’m done playing by your rules. I’m in love with you, Gabrielle. I want you to go back to Paige’s, get your stuff and Loxley and come back. I want you to move in here, permanently. I want you to tell me you love me too,” he demanded.

“No…..no, I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?” he asked through clenched teeth.

I felt the tears starting to spill down my face. Too much was spinning through my head. Patrick was telling me he loved me. He wanted me to move in with him on a permanent basis. He wanted to hear me tell him I loved him. It was too much. There was just too much going on. I needed time to figure things out.

“Stop it. Please, stop it,” I begged.

My legs felt like jelly, like they were going to give out any moment. Maybe I could have handled one of the three. Maybe I could have dealt with his ‘I love you’ if it didn’t come strings attached. I couldn’t hear that, say it back, and move in all at once. It was step by step with me, and he was asking me to skip from 1 to 10. I couldn’t do it and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand there thinking that. I had to make myself move. I had to think of something to say to him so he’d let me go. Then I had to turn and walk out the door.

“What’s it going to be?” he asked after a while.

I wanted so badly to just fall into Patrick’s arms and be everything he wanted me to be. I wished more than anything I could be normal and less scarred by my past. If I was healed then I’d be able to do what he wanted, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t ever be healed, and so I couldn’t ever be the person Patrick deserved.

I forced my legs to move and walked towards where Patrick was standing in front of the couch. I saw his face expose the hope he was feeling every step I took closer to him. I felt my heart breaking with each step as well. I stopped a few feet from him and looked at him one last time. Then I bent down and placed his key on the coffee table. Without waiting to see what he said, or even giving him another glance, I turned and walked out the door.

I got into my car telling myself what I’d done was the right thing. As I drove away I repeated that in my head over and over again even as the tears fell down my face. I pulled into the parking lot at my building convinced that what I needed was to be on my own so I could reevaluate my life. I walked into my apartment, collapsed onto the floor, and broke.