Chapter 26

Patrick glided around the ice by himself before practice, testing out his knee. All was quiet in the rink with no one else out there with him. It gave him time to think. And despite all the thinking he’d done last night he still needed to do some more. He just couldn’t figure out what had happened with Gabrielle last night.

She’d literally gone from smiling to yelling at him in about half a second. He couldn’t figure it out. What had he done wrong? She’d yelled at him about volunteering her for babysitting, but he didn’t really think that could be it, right? And he wasn’t at all buying her excuse of ‘I don’t do kids.’ She always said that. ‘I don’t do’ insert word or phrase here. It drove him nuts.

She’d used the same phrase when she was trying to avoid dating him. She said it as a defense to keep herself from having to tell him about her past eventually. She always said it when she was trying to avoid telling him about something. What was it this time? What did she not want to tell him now?

Two thoughts hit him at the same time and both were equally unsettling. He just couldn’t think of any other reason. Maybe Gabrielle didn’t want children. That would certainly not work for him because he always had when the time came. Or maybe Gabrielle was pregnant and afraid to tell him. Oh God. That couldn’t be it.

“How’s your knee feeling?” Mike, the team’s trainer, called out interrupting his thoughts.

“A little tight, but no pain,” he called back. He got off the ice and followed Mike back to the training room.

He didn’t have a chance to think about Gabrielle anymore that morning. He was officially cleared to start practicing with the team that morning. He made his way out to the ice again and participated in his first practice in a month with the team. Just pushing through the practice kept his mind off of Gabrielle for a little while.

“How’s Gabrielle doing?” Tazer asked him in the locker room later. He shrugged.

“I haven’t talked to her,” he responded.

“Check out Sharpie digging the manic depressive chick,” Keith yelled over. He shot him a dirty look and chose not to respond to him, because Keither had no idea.

“She wasn’t good last night when I brought her home,” Tazer told him. Patrick looked up at him in surprise.

“You took her home? Did she say anything?” He was hoping for anything that could help him figure out what had gone on last night.

“Sorry, man,” Tazer replied with a shake of his head. Patrick felt the disappointment. “She was throwing up in the parking lot and shaking when I got out to her.”

“I don’t know what happened or what to do,” Patrick said helplessly.

“Just go talk to her.” Yeah, he was going to have to do that.

Patrick left the rink and drove straight towards Gabrielle’s apartment. He had to find out what had happened. If it was because of either situation he’d thought up then they really needed to talk. He called up from the lobby and she buzzed him up. He got up to her apartment and walked through the door only to be met with a woman he’d never seen before. She was putting on a jacket.

“You must be Patrick,” she said with a smile. He nodded as she held out her hand and he took it. “I’m Olivia.”

“Olivia? Gabby’s school counselor,” he said dumbly. He couldn’t help it. He was surprised to see her, or anyone for that matter. She laughed a little.

“Yes, that’s me,” she replied.

“Were you in town?” he asked. She shook her head.

“Gabrielle called me early this morning and I hopped the first plane out of St. Louis to come see her,” Olivia explained. Patrick’s heart dropped. If Olivia dropped everything to fly out to Gabrielle immediately than something really awful must be going on. Olivia must have seen the look on his face. “She’ll be okay if you just hear what she has to say.”

“I will. I’m going to. I just…..it scares me when she gets like this. I don’t know what to do,” he confessed. He watched as Gabrielle walked around the corner looking like she hadn’t slept all night.

“You’re doing exactly what she needs,” Olivia assured him. “It was very nice to meet you.” She moved past him towards the door.

“I’ll walk you out,” Gabrielle spoke up, her voice harsh, like she’d been crying.

He watched as the two of them walked out the door leaving him standing in the entryway. He walked further into the apartment with all intentions of sitting down, but he realized he was too nervous to do that. Instead he began to pace around the open space wondering what was going on. The sound of the door closing caused him to look up and see Gabrielle coming back.

“Are you okay?” he asked moving over towards her. She hesitated for a moment as her eyes darted around the room.

“No,” she finally whispered out. He’d known the answer, but hearing her say it hurt.

“I just don’t know what happened. You were fine and then…..” He let his voice trail off as he searched her face for any clue. None came, and she kept her eyes locked onto a spot on the floor. “Was it the kids? Do you really not like them?”

He watched as her face twisted into complete anguish. He felt so helpless. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he had to know what was going on. She wasn’t exactly being forthcoming right now. Even so he just couldn’t seem to stop talking. He just needed to get it out and see what she said.

“If that’s the case I don’t know what to do. I love them. I want them someday. I’ve always seen myself having a family when I’m ready to settle down. It’s kind of a deal breaker for me. You need to tell me if you don’t want them, Gabrielle. I need to know,” he pushed.

He watched as her expression changed from anguish to grief as he spoke. Then he waited. When she spoke he hardly heard her, her voice was so quiet. He almost asked her to repeat herself, but he was in so much shock that even he couldn’t speak. Had she really just said that?

“I have a daughter.”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth she turned and walked away from him. He watched her retreating back for a moment before he could make himself move. He followed her into her studio where she collapsed down onto the futon in there. He glanced at the easel and took in the painting that was set up there.

He suddenly began to understand, at least a little, about what was going on with Gabrielle when he saw it. In the painting there was a crib in a nursery. A large letter Q was on the wall above it. A woman was also half out the door of the nursery. She had a duffel bag in hand and was walking out of the room. She was also glancing back towards the crib.

“Her name is Quinn. She’s with Rachel,” Gabrielle whispered.










Patrick turned back to me with astonishment all over his face. I couldn’t blame him. He thought I’d told him everything, but I hadn’t. This was something I thought that I would take to the grave with me. I’d never planned on telling a soul. It hurt too much. He moved over to the futon and sat down next to me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked quietly.

“Because she’s my biggest regret and my biggest failure. I just left her. I let them take her from me and I didn’t put up a fight. I never wanted her and I almost killed myself because of it,” I choked out.

“What are you talking about?” he wondered. I took a deep breath as the most painful memories in my life resurfaced. These were memories I’d never wanted to remember or relive.

“When I was still an addict I used to do awful things just for drugs. Until I met you sex for me was a means for the cocaine or simply happened because I was too drugged out to really know what was going on. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth.”

Patrick remained quiet as he waited for me to explain what that had to do with anything. I needed to take another deep breath before I could continue.

“At a party one night, this guy I knew, Vince, somehow ended up alone with me in a bedroom. I wish I could remember how that happened, but I can’t. I remember him locking the door and me arguing with him about why he did it. He started trying to take my clothes off and I kept shoving him away. He became really angry and started yelling at me about how I gave it up to everyone else so why not him. I tried to get out, but he yanked me back and hit me. He beat me until I couldn’t fight back. Then he raped me as the party raged outside the door.”

I felt each blow as the scene replayed in my mind. I could remember clear as day how the entire incident felt. Every feeling I had then washed over me now. Tears fell from my eyes as Patrick looked at me in horrified silence.

“I ran to Olivia when it was over. She took me to the hospital and called the police. They gathered evidence and I pressed charges. It took over a year, but Vince was convicted thanks to another girl coming forward when she heard about me. He’s been in jail ever since for beating and raping us both.”

“Jesus, Gabrielle,” Patrick whispered, taking my hand in his.

“Just over a month after it happened I found out I was pregnant. I knew Vince was the father because I hadn’t let anyone touch me after that happened. In fact you were the first since then. Anyway, I didn’t want the baby. I didn’t want to carry my rapists child, but my family wouldn’t let me get rid of it. They’re values wouldn’t allow it, so I was forced to have her.”

I thought about Quinn and wondered how I could have ever had those feelings. Common sense told me it was only normal to be feeling how I did back then, but I just couldn’t comprehend that I ever had.

“When I had her I didn’t even want to look at her. People always talk about loving your child as soon as you see them, but that didn’t happen for me. I saw her and saw Vince and what he’d done. For three weeks I took care of her and cried nonstop. Eventually I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’d gotten off of the drugs when I found out I was pregnant, but I needed to escape my feelings. I did them again and overdosed. That was when I almost died.”

I watched as understanding dawned on Patrick. He knew how this part of the story ended. He knew that’s when I left.

“My parents had had enough. I had dragged their name through the mud during the very public trial of Vince. His lawyer called the other girl and me out. He brought up that we were addicts, called us sluts, all to defend his client. Then I was pregnant. Now I’d overdosed and almost died. They took Quinn from me and kicked me out. You know the rest.”

Patrick pulled me into him, up onto his lap, and let me cry. He held me as the tears and emotions that I hadn’t shed all these years poured out of me. I just curled up on his lap and released everything I still had left in me. He just sat there and held me and allowed me to do that.

“I’m so sorry, Gabby. So sorry,” he whispered when I’d become drained.

“I think about her every day,” I told him.

“Of course you do.” I shook my head.

“You don’t understand. It happened in rehab. I fell in love with her. I’ve loved her and missed her every day. I can’t handle what I did to her. I failed my daughter. I love her so much, but I failed her,” I choked out. He put his hands on my face and forced me to look at him.

“You didn’t fail her. If you hadn’t ever loved her, then you would have. Only then would you have failed her. But you do, Gabrielle. Don’t you see? Even if she doesn’t know it, she has your undying love, and that makes her the luckiest girl in the world.” New tears formed in my eyes at what he’d said, but not tears of sadness or pain.

“How do you see things so clearly? How is it that you seem to know, to understand everything that I never could?”

“Because I never had to experience it like you did. And I know you. I see you for who you truly are and I know what you have in your heart.”

He kissed me then, softly, and kissed away the last of my pain. There would always be an ache when I thought of Quinn, but Patrick had once again helped me to come to terms with my past. I had nothing left to hide, nothing to run from. Everything was out, and he was still sitting here with me, kissing me. Olivia was right, like she usually is. Patrick had saved me.